Enlustered


What Stands In The Way Of True Love

I’m reposting this here from Facebook. Basically I heard a voice say all this and put it there today. I put a lot of other stuff there today, too, if you want to check it out. When I hear the voices say stuff sometimes it feels like I am kind of talking or hearing things fast and it’s like I’m just typing or talking to get out what’s being said. It’s not always the same. Sometimes it’s a sense of pressure like I have something to get out. Sometimes it’s a yell that I don’t think is from the voices. It’s hard to explain it. It’s stuff that comes to you. I think this is from my white (blue-eyed, handsome, serious-seeming) soul mate Brad Constable, whom I met a year ago at a farmer’s market in Richmond, Va. I talk about him and his farm here other times. So, here goes what I heard and think he said.

What Handsome might say if he explained his position as a married man being called to stand for love with this black woman I am who is saying he is her (my) soul mate:

“I can’t do this because it would mean me losing my relationship to others, it would mean me losing my farm, my togetherness with others, my image as someone others recognize and have common ground with. It gives me identity, this marriage. It’s a right of passage, a key to a life with others that I would be shut out of without. I can’t leave my wife and expect a life anyone like the one I have now with security, a future, an income I can live off of, how would I live without any job or income? I would be a burden on anyone I would live with, she would have to take care of me and make sure I had enough to eat. Who would want me if I was like this, would you want me, I would want you because you are the only one who knew me like I was somebody other than who the world said I was because of my race, income, marital status, parental status, character as good for being a “good” man and doing the “right” things, like providing for my family with young children to feed and clothe and care for. Who would want a man that would abandon his responsibilities? You have to be sure Marla because this is a big step for me. It would mean the end of the world. No one does this unless it’s the end of the world. There are so many things to worry about other than love here and yet love is the thing that would make this world a place it has never been because no one has put love first, only money, only appearances, only belonging, only surviving and making it out alive instead of on the streets starving for all the things man withholds if he does not put the world first and appearances first. This is the thing I must decide. How will you help me besides telling me I’m the one? How will you make my choice one you can respect, not one you can abhor as selfish and dirty, or see me as a dirty man who only wants some fun or a roll in the hay?”

And then: “You missed a part about how I can’t do this if it’s temporary and meant to make you have your white man once and for all because it’s about more.”

Advertisements

1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

[…] What Stands In The Way Of True Love […]

Pingback by How I Feel About Handsome’s Words | Enlustered




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: