Just heard a voice saying something like, Socrates said keep your pants on before you go to bed. That ensures that you never go to bed with someone you’re not sure about, thereby avoiding the problem of pyre in the pants. I guess that means fire in the pants. I guess it means herpes. That’s okay. Herpes been good to me every since I was… well, every since I was 18, well, not really, but let me put it this way: There were times when I thought, Would I rather not have this? And the answer was no. I’d rather be dirty and be the person I have been than to be clean and be a person who was too clean to be anybody, to be almost like an idol of everlasting life, a non-human thing like the Jesus we read about in stories of the crucifixion who wasn’t even angry at the people who crucified him. Then he rose again and I guess he was even more non-human with no real human emotions at all. Yeah, I’d rather be human and be myself than be non-human and be some unrecognizable, cold, self-sacrificial thing that doesn’t even care to lose his own human life. I lost being disease-free, but I didn’t lose my life. I never thought I should be someone other than myself, I guess. I did at times hide that I had herpes, and that was somewhat of a denial of the situation, but so is having sex with someone when you are not sure you want to have sex with them and that’s what I did. I went along with something that I felt I kind of had to once, and other times just for other reasons, like that I thought I was supposed to have sex but wasn’t, so I did when I was alone with someone once. There was a time, too, when I just felt like I didn’t know how to talk about it, I’m not sure if I even knew what the symptoms were after the first time I had sex, so when I had a second boyfriend I didn’t tell him. I assume he got out of the relationship without any herpes because he never said anything to me about it and I never had sex with him when I had an outbreak. But anyway, that voice I heard (above), I assume it’s the person I thought was my soul mate, I could be wrong, but I just wanted to make clear that I have no shame or regret, well mostly not, just regret that I did not take a stand and possibly prevent the sex where I probably transmitted it to someone. But I did what I did and it’s done. Time to move on instead of thinking of myself as someone who needs to suffer forever for something I did once (had sex with a boyfriend whom I didn’t really like for the first time when I got herpes, and then later I had sex with people without telling them, and I think I transmitted herpes to one of those people). So, I regret that I did those things. If I had a chance to do them again, would I do them differently? I don’t know. Maybe if it were about something other than changing my whole life, if it were a game to just see how things would turn out without me having to live through it all again, maybe I would go back and see what it meant. How could things have turned out differently? Other than that, deal with it. I have herpes. I’m not ashamed. I’m fly as shit (stinky, nasty shit). I hear voices. I think the world is ending at some point soon. I notice people doing weird stuff on the page for their family farm and I make lots of Facebook posts on it. I have a number of things to be ashamed of. Right now I’m sitting at the window at a motel-type place where I live. I’m supposed to be ashamed of that, according to devil whirl. I have a thing for white men. I should be ashamed of that, according to devil whirl. I haven’t showered today and I smell down there because I just had my period and I don’t think I showered yesterday either. I’m supposed to be ashamed of that. I don’t shave my arm pits. I’m supposed to be ashamed of that. I have a couple/few hairs under my chin, and apparently ashamed I should be. Maybe everyone doesn’t have a STD or herpes, but I’m sure everyone has a long list of things to be ashamed of and most of us wouldn’t want to switch lists and “put the shoe on the other foot,” so to speak. So call me out for any number of reasons, devil worshipers and I’ll tell you the thing that means the end of the “whirl” of this world (i.e. the end of time); it’s the thing that would have kept devil whirl from ever happening: That is, “And it’s still all good.” God made this thing I am and it’s called human and probably a bit superhuman, too. And, guess what? I’ll take it. Yeah, you white folk ain’t neva heard a dat. Time to get up wit me, I show you da way. I ain’t ashamed a shit. And if I am, I ain’t ashamed a it. I be what I be. And you can call it nasty. I don’t believe ya, shady. Why you gotta always be pickin’ on me? How bout you walk on pass me. If you gone chastise me. You’ll be living lonely. But without black, the world will never be. How bout you just get like me? And another world, one without rejection is what you’ll see.


Leave a Comment so far
Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: