Enlustered


Born Of Prayers Of Black People Past

I had a weird voice-y experience yesterday that kind of said I was the river, the north star, the sky, the wind and that I was born of the prayers of blacks throughout history, what I heard seemed mostly to focus on the prayers of black slaves and the voice said I told them I’d come back at a time when nothing could stop me from saying whatever I wanted to say. I felt so bad when I had that “experience” telling me some things they would say, just like, “You wouldn’t believe what master say or do when she’s away,” or something like that. I assumed by rivers and the north star that it was referring to a slave song I hear often, “Wade in the water.” And I just felt sad when I had that experience, like I wanted to tell the people who had prayed that I was sorry I didn’t help them when they were here. I felt bad.

The experience was just like this flood of stuff and I felt like I could open myself to hearing stuff they were saying but I felt like I would make a mistake if I was putting into words what I was feeling, so I just took other things that came easy just ideas, hard to explain. I just felt something was telling me I was not any one particular “thing” when I was being formed or deciding to come here.

Not sure how that works, I was just asking about that since I referred to it in another post, questioning how some people came here as black or white and how some people would not have to come if they didn’t believe they were bad. This was something that answered that question of where we “are” before we come, I guess.

I read once that people are God’s thoughts, I read this in a book I do not trust called A Course In Miracles, but I find it more interesting, the idea that we are people’s prayers. People here are the answers to people’s prayers of the past. I have said before that I thought we were solutions to problems here and this new idea would go along, hand in hand with that.

The voice say I’m Christ’s son. I thought we were all Christ’s son. The voice say often to tell you I’m the savior come save us from devil whirl. Some time soon I’ll tell some more embarrassing stuff so I don’t seem superhuman or better den anybody. I don’t feel better, I almost feel like I am just more here today than I used to be, more somebody, more into my body kind of, but also felt a bit out of it today, sad. I was writing something else about a singer I dislike and decided not to continue with it or publish it.

I been sitting around a lot today, feeling kinda like I had no energy to do anything, then I felt like I had no more questions to ask like I usually did because I had answered some big questions. Then I felt bad about that like I didn’t know what to do next. I been thinking also about what to do about the person I believe is my soul mate and what should happen with that situation. Right now I’m not sure what to do, don’t have any urge or desire to do anything in particular. I would like to write sometime soon about embarrassing things like herpes, which I have and which I’ve written about here before. I think hiding things makes your path to wherever your going less clear. I thought of that earlier when I was going to Pizza Hut to get pizza and some tree limbs were in front of a road sign and I almost missed a turn.

I don’t really know what’s going to happen next. I guess I feel kinda special, like maybe people see what I’m doing or think I’m someone special. Saying that makes me feel kinda weak and lame, but earlier I felt okay thinking about that feeling but just didn’t want too much burden to do anything else based on anyone’s belief that I was special.

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