Enlustered


Where To Go Next
August 24, 2014, 9:17 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

So, I guess one place I’m considering and kind of feeling okay about living is Farmville, VA. But maybe not. I feel bad writing that thinking of the people who live there whom I talked a lot about on Facebook. The experiences I had with those people are the nightmare of DEVIL WHIRL embodied.

So much race stuff and segregation stuff and the celebration of same-race, white marriage is in it. The thing that’s haunted me all my life more than anything. I keep thinking again and again that my main irritants were education inequality (with test scores and modern-day segregated schools) and marriage, really. Sometimes I try to make sense of why. I feel once I did, but I forget now what sense I made out of it.

Anyway, I could stay in the Philadelphia area, where I have family I could actually spend time with occasionally, who I feel I have potential in my relationships with because they actually talk to me and aren’t afraid of me or the “mental illness” stuff like the family I used to have, or even the family that would comment on Facebook on stuff I said, like a cousin I have in Connecticut, who said I needed to take better care of myself. Fucking idiot.

That’s one of those things where people tell yo ass what to do and it’s considered concern or care. Fuck that. That’s fucked up. That asshole didn’t even talk to me. What’s that called? You guessed it: Prejudice.

Hmmm: Am I prejudiced for calling people prejudiced and being annoyed with people all the time? Uh, no. Why? Because I didn’t say it was science and fact and UNCHANGABLE. It changes for any person who would show me otherwise. Usually, I think I can feel it if someone is different than I expect and I do adjust my opinion.

I don’t think it’s the end of the world to pre judge, unless that pre judging is based on what’s called science here, hard, cold facts… that can change everyday based on whatever new study there is, AND YET people treat that shit like it’s the Bible. Not that the Bible should even be treated like it’s indisputable, history could show us that, with people using Bible verses for all kinds of things that shoulda never happened if people could look in their hearts to justify what was really right, not pretend right.

I wrote this because the voice kept saying, “Cancel your membership.” I think the last time I heard it say for me to tell the person I thought was my soul mate that he was not my soul mate and that I’m not coming to Farmville. But I don’t know if that person is my soul mate or not and I don’t know if I’m NOT coming to Farmville. So far, I will apply to one place there.

If I get it, I feel like I want to go there more than anywhere else right now, BUT I’m not sure. I just don’t feel right in Philly or the city part of Camden, New Jersey. I went there yesterday. It’s more restrictive cities in my experience here since June, but it’s also more ugly, just busy-looking, unsettling.

I like the people, seeing lots of black people. I just feel they are less judgmental or uptight. I just feel more okay here around them. I see people walking down the street talking to themselves here. People ignore them mostly, but don’t seem afraid either, understand?

I feel okay here, even though I feel like a white-seeming black person, prolly cuz of where I grew up, prolly some genetics or just what I’m made of, I have to figure it. I think it’s self doubt that makes me seem more white or soft to myself, others. (Sorry white people.) To be fair, I think the nephews I have (who are 16 and 18) seem like they could be suburban youth because they seem so good to me, not so mean or hard as I’d expect.

They are good, very good through and through (they don’t lie about stuff as far as I can see), but they are not prolly what devil whirl would call 100 percent good. I won’t go into detail.

I hate to see how they look to devil whirl, young black boys. There’s no love for any of them. They’re drop outs, or thugs (in a bad sense) or cold or dangerous. No, they’re not. None of them are. None of them (not even that kid who got killed by a cop, even though he stole from that store). If people could get a closer look, those ideas would fall apart. The danger would be gone.

Humans versus humans is ANOTHER WORLD from victim versus criminal, good versus bad (as devil whirl likes to paint everything to be). No good. No bad. When there’s understanding.

All eyes closed leaves the world asleep, which is what it is. Not blind. Brainless because the brains go unused. People just swallow all news stories and such undigested. Never any chewing on anything. Everything is black and white, literally and figuratively.

(Last updated for the umpteenth time at 9:31 p.m. Sorry, can’t help but see areas to clarify. No big changes.)

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