Enlustered


What’s Beef? Beef Is A World Without Me (Or You Or God)

Prejudice means to pre judge, right? So why is it so surprising that it’s PREJUDICE to assume someone has a chemical imbalance in their brain and that’s the cause of his/her behavior before you’ve even met the person?

This world is so lacking in UNDERSTANDING. So many people go to school for PSYCHOLOGY to understand human behavior, but their isn’t A DROP of this shit in what is fucking called “treatment” for what people with mental illness are going through. I don’t think I ever needed “treatment,” not real TREATMENT, i.e. care for my situation/condition/state. All I needed was UNDERSTANDING, of which this world offered NONE. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Despite all the psychology majors this world puts out, I never hear any real understanding of what it means to have a so-called “mental illness.”

Really FAKE treatment is all DEVIL WORLD offers those with mental illness, which is really just imprisonment in a hospital and then a whacko, lame-o “doctor” deciding whether I need an increase in medicine whenever I come for a 10-minute meeting with her. I read about some woman with bipolar (who heard loud screaming voices) getting help from a psychologist who helped her look at her past; she had a history of child sexual abuse. But I wonder what a psychologist could’ve helped me with. Sorry, but I think they would’ve made something up.

It’s the world that makes people “sick.” It’s full of lies and no one’s allowed to say anything without risking being “inappropriate.” Some people can’t take that shit. I say a lot of shit here, some is really fucked up, but it’s how I fucking feel. WTF? Can’t I say how I fucking feel? So fucking stupid here. So lame. So dead. Walking dead people here. All dead, all fake as shit. Who gives a shit how “nice” you are when you’re like a fucking zombie because you can’t say ANYTHING that’s worth something, you fucking idiot, only restricted to what’s “appropriate”? Fuck you!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that about how no one wants to really understand anything here, they just make up some false shit called science that fucking says I have a brain disorder and that schizophrenia might been caused by malnourishment during a mother’s pregnancy or caused by being born in the winter. WTF? This is horse shit, a load a shit. I was in chains and boxes my whole life. I did not understand why no one said anything about racist shit, like all the black kids being in the low reading group.

I remember when I noticed that shit. It was fucked up. And no one says anything, like it’s normal and it’s supposed to be like that, just like no one ever says the sky is blue or television is what you watch to see moving pictures. Do you fucking understand? Yeah, I guess I sound racist. And sometimes I go out into the world and people seem somewhat okay… ON THE SURFACE, if I completely ignore what I feel inside.

I feel it’s all fake. That beneath the surface is the real reality where everything stays that no one will say or do or be. So much gone to waste, in a world full of black and white and one-dimensional shit. So much flat, worthless, meaningless shit that will never get made into anything more because no one is alive enough to breathe life into anything that should really be here, no one is alive enough to put themselves into the world as something more than a white, a black, a Latino, a Indian, etc. All it is is superficial shit and I can’t take it…

Unless I say the fuckedupedest shit about it that makes me feel like I kicked a hole in a shallow layer a shit that should’ve never been here. That layer is politeness that’s not from the heart, work that’s supporting a reality that doesn’t need to be (like one where people need title loans), or fake marriages, or fake schools, or fake smiles. Fake shit. I have to do what I do to be here as myself. I got disability and the people at the mental institution said that means I can’t function enough to do work. I can’t function in this place, this fucked up place, unless I be myself.

That includes writing and sometimes it includes looking at people around me and not having a kind thought cross my mind. I see people as I’m driving or when I’m in places and it occurs to me that I should feel (what?) something nice toward them. I don’t most times. I just wanna be rude as shit. A voice keeps saying stuff about this video called “Bitchy Resting Face” and something else about some (I think it said Latino) women with attitudes being the devil whirl’s way of saying the stereotype of black women with attitudes is without reason, a pointless thorn in everyone’s side.

I think the voice is trying to say that black women are warranted in having an attitude, that it’s not just for no reason, like some people with “bitchy resting face” or whatever. I used to be Facebook friends with a (white, not a black-seeming) white girl from college (I went to a black college) and she would always say stuff on Facebook about how she doesn’t like people and whatnot and her husband would say stuff about how he loved her “attitude” and such and one day I was like, I understand why you have a attitude (I said it was rebelling or feeling fed up with the expectation one be superficially polite) on one of her posts on Facebook from her parenting blog.

And she couldn’t quite corroborate what I said or make sense or explain why she had a attitude or why she hated people. WTF? That’s fucking stupid. I understand some people have a attitude and then don’t think they have a attitude so they can’t explain. Or people who DON”T WRITE about their attitude may not question why they have a attitude. But why write about how you hate people and not explain why? She wrote about how her husband shouldn’t worry about her going to the playground and meeting another guy because she’d probably be rude or too rude for anyone to approach or something like that.

In other posts she gave examples sometimes of  people saying stuff she found annoying (about her daughter’s hair color not matching her husbands, for example–to which I thought, “So what?”), but she never really explained why she hated people in general. I think once she said she felt like she was supposed to be happy around the holidays once, but there was a lot of stuff going on in her life at the time (like financial woes and temporary infertility, she later had a baby) and she felt like she couldn’t talk about it. Okay. But that doesn’t explain really why you ALWAYS have a attitude. I really felt left wanting more when I read her stuff, like something was missing, like she was just rude and annoying actually.

Anyway, I had a issue with her in late June. She said she didn’t “owe” me an explanation when I questioned why she focused so much on parenting and my belief that (sorry, but) white people tend to focus more on parenting and parenting being so important and central to their life. I just felt it was overkill to have a blog and a Facebook page and be posting about these women (white women) fighting for the right to breast feed publicly, which I feel is closet racism (celebrating whites as better parents than blacks who don’t make such a fuss over this, at least not visibly) and sexism beneath the surface, i.e. that some members of the population should have the right to public nudity while others do not.

I think certain members of the population make their identity out of their parenting. I don’t like that. That’s what racism is made of: False identities and FALSE human value! Sorry, but black people tend to do that less, probably because their identity is just in being the inappropriate selves we’d all be if we didn’t have to be so careful what we said and did to keep a job or keep friends or keep up appearances or keep people looking at our blogs or whatever.

Yeah, maybe I’m overreaching into how people should live their lives. Well, so the fuck what. This is what I feel and what I think and I have beef and when I see you in the store, I might just be thinking of how much I don’t like you because you’re white, or somehow just defined by being something I’m not or what I’m supposed to be inferior to, or whatever. You can pretend it’s all in my head and you’d be right according to devil world. In that case, I’ve known you all my life. I don’t even need to talk to you or hear what you have to say. I heard it all. I heard enough and I don’t want to hear anymore, you paper-doll piece a shit. Lemming.

(Updated 6:59 p.m. on 8/25/24. I just replaced at the aforementioned time the word “non-black” with “Latino” women. I will address this in a follow-up post at some point and link back here.)

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