Enlustered


Deformities Or Super Powers

I just heard a voice say, “ten time the amount of views you think you’re getting.” I just see the little graph thing on the top bar when I log in and imagine a piece a shit world of people who don’t give a shit, a hell, really where only shit that does nothing to address the epidemic walking death and racial divisions here matters.

Anyway, I saw a kid at Wawa today with some deformity that I think was a cleft lip that was surgery-d or something else. He was kind of small and somewhat unusual-looking. I felt bad for noticing so much and, I don’t know, not seeing through it. Is it something to see through? I God asked later about it when I got back to the room and I heard something akin to “Mad Max” or something and started to think of the cleft lip as something like what would make someone a beast of some kind, but not scary like Freddy, a mythical “monster” like those ones on the movie 300.

I have said before that I think mental illnesses (as they are referred to here) are really some kind of super power. Maybe the “real” world is more of a mythical world and all people (who are real anyway) are kind of like mythical creatures or super heroes of sorts. Not sure what all powers are entailed in having a cleft lip, but I just feel diminished myself I guess if someone else is less than for what is considered a “deformity” or “birth defect,” which is what I think is how devil world tries to describe mental illness. They describe it as a fluke of some kind, a chemical imbalance possibly hereditary or possible influenced by malnutrition during pregnancy. I don’t believe those things.

In fact, I am kind of meaning to explore the idea that serial killers are also the product of chemical imbalances in the brain. Saw it on a lame (white-biased) show the other night that is somewhat entertaining because I used to watch it with my mom (former mom) when things seemed okay, I don’t know not so bad. Things don’t seem like that anymore since the family I thought I had started to seem like someone else/other people AND after I started writing more, I just started having more problems.

Oh, and that stay at the mental institution I wrote about on here before, that just reinforced that this world is not what it seems, that it really is more like a hell, a very deceptive place. A hopeless place, I guess, and that’s what I see when I see low visits to the blog. It just seems like that to me.

I’ll have to explore why it means that to me. I guess I figure that what I’m writing would’ve meant a lot to me at other times in my life if I saw someone else saying it and the fact that it seems not to resonate just reflects to me that either people don’t care or that there are just no other people like me here, which I guess are the same thing.

I know it’s supposed to be pathetic and lame to say what I’m saying, but it’s how I feel. I’ll be pathetic and lame. At least I’m not hiding myself. And, like I said, this world hates what God made, so why should I side with it against myself. It is against me no matter what, so why shouldn’t I choose to at least be on my own side?

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