Behind Appearances, Or Behind My Image
May 20, 2014, 11:21 pm
Filed under: Human Potential | Tags: , , ,

Warning: Potentially disturbing content.

I’ve wanted to do this a long time, but I was afraid. I’m sorry, but I’m not an image. I don’t want to participate in the world as an image anymore. If this is off my chest, maybe I can speak more freely, as if I am okay as I am, even in light of the things I’m most ashamed of.

Revealing things on Facebook lately has already helped me to talk to others more openly. I felt so… legitimate, for example, when I saw a gynecologist Monday for some irregular bleeding, cramps and discomfort I was experiencing last week.

I think I have a common condition called endometriosis, which is when some blood or other things are not released with a woman’s period. To me, it’s symbolic of how things I want to say are being held back because I think I’m flawed or inappropriate or unacceptable, which is inevitable if you hide things about yourself.

I’ve walked outside naked twice in “psychotic episodes,” so maybe it’s time I really went “naked.” And freed myself. Here I go.

Behind my image… I have herpes: oral and genital, a bump is down there right now. I’m ashamed to tell that, but oh well. I think I gave genital herpes to someone once when I had sex during an outbreak (I called him one day and he didn’t say anything for a while and then he hung up).

I think I gave oral herpes to a “boyfriend” (I didn’t really like him and I don’t believe in romantic love now). I kissed him when I had a bump on my lip. I got oral herpes because one day I was looking at the bumps around my vagina in a vanity mirror and I (not thinking) touched my lip to bite the skin off my lip with the same hand I had touched my vagina with.

I have an itchy spot on my butt in the crack (that used to scab over). The doctor said it’s nothing, but I think it’s sex-related, even though I’ve never had anal sex.

I have a hair that sticks out under my chin, discovered when I was 18 by the first boyfriend I had.

I have stretch marks on my boobs and my butt.

I don’t shower often (maybe once or twice a week), just because I don’t want to.

I peed my pants during a job interview at The Richmond Free Press in Fall 2006.

I had an abortion when I was 21. I’m not  as ashamed of that as much as some other things here.

I have corns on my toes (as my Facebook cover photos show).

I hid dirty maxi pads under my bed for a while as a kid because I didn’t want my dad to know I started my period.

I haven’t had sex in 10 years, and it’s not because of the herpes.

I don’t like sex, never have, I just thought I should do it to be “normal” and because everyone else said it was so great.

Sometimes I have random thoughts, like I’m alone with that child, so I could hurt that child like a bad person would. Or I’m alone with that man, we could have sex. But I don’t want really want to do those things. It’s just like I see that I could do them and be “bad,” free.

I’m uncomfortable saying that, but maybe it needs to be said. I believe we create the “monsters” we fear by calling people “bad” and outcasting them. Sometimes that line in the sand looks like the line into another world, one with another kind of love: unconditional love.

Sometimes I feel like I hate everyone.

I feel like people are not honest about their real reality behind “appearances.” But I haven’t been honest, either. I’m not sure it would matter if they were because I think we are in a false reality based on “parts” of God denying they are God. We deny the truth, so nothing here can be true no matter what we do when we believe we are meaningless, bad, etc. I feel I am starting to see how I am a part of God, as the book A Course in Miracles says, but I still don’t completely understand.

Today I am wondering, as I often do, whether I’m the only one here and everyone else is God pretending to be average (asleep) people to teach me a lesson: To believe in myself.

I have a theory that the only reason this world continues is because everyone hides the truth. Because everyone hides, no one can see that the “successes” people celebrate don’t bring happiness as appearances (people, television commercials, etc.) suggest.

Married people are unhappy because their worth is defined by them being married in this culture; rich people are unhappy because their worth is defined by their money; good-looking people are unhappy because their worth is defined by their looks; a lot of men are unhappy because their worth is defined by having a good-looking wife here.

No one can be happy being an image who: 1) can’t say what he wants, 2) can’t do what he wants, 3) disregards who he is to survive and make money, like I’ve done (all three things) all my life. By writing this, I’m stepping out on faith for something more than I see all around me.

I keep hearing songs in my head (I am diagnosed with schizophrenia) that I think are trying to tell me reveal this stuff, (in one song Snoop Dogg mentions women with sexually transmitted diseases and another song by Busta Rhymes says “put all your hands where my eyes can see… In God we trust.”

And I hear the song, “He’s got the whole world in His hands…” Earlier I was worrying about losing my social security disability benefits because of things I’m saying here and on Facebook that may make people mad and I heard a line from the song “I Find It Hard to Say (Rebel).” The line was: “Fret not thyself I say against these laws of man.”

These relevant songs are one reason I start to think I must be the only one here, that this is my dream. Plus, it’s how I make sense of the fact that no one else says anything about how fake everything is here: celebrating things that people feel societal pressure to do, like get married as if it’s really in their hearts.

That’s one reason I feel I have to do what I’m doing. If reincarnation is real, I’m trying to make sure I don’t return here. I don’t want to come back and figure out that everything is fake again ALL BY MYSELF, except for help from books like A Course in Miracles (and Lauryn Hill).

I feel like I’m by myself here. I think that’s why I keep hearing this Paramore song, “Don’t go cryin’ to your mama cuz you’re on your own in the real world…”

“Many men, many, many, many, many men wish death upon me. I don’t cry no more. I don’t look to the sky no more”: I hear this 50 Cent song in my head, which I think refers to the death of my ego. This is another thing that makes me think I’m the only one here, and others (other parts of God) are waiting for me to kill my ego, so we can go home, to heaven.

“Your brothers were not happy because you were not here,” a voice told me the night I walked on Chippenham Highway naked and barefoot and got frostbite. I thought it meant I was supposed to get hit by a car and go to heaven with my brothers there. But now I think it meant I withhold so much of myself, like what I want to say. It’s like I’m not here. Lackluster: A world without me (Marla Luster).

Another thing that makes me think this is my dream: That night I went out naked this man stopped to help me and he ended up touching my vagina. He tried to force me into the car. I was yelling for help and trying to get away from him, but I couldn’t. I told him, “You’re my brother, I love you,” and he stopped, stared at me, and called 911. A voice told me before I left out naked, “rape.”

I was thinking of it before the voice said it because after the last time I walked outside naked people told me I could’ve been raped. I didn’t believe them because I thought God was asking me to let go of this world in every psychotic episode I had. That included letting go of hiding things (like a naked body) from people out of fear.

[I revised this a lot from the original. Last updated 1:22 a.m. 5/21/14.]


5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Come one you hate everyone here?
Whatever we believe is true. A lot of our reality is quite laughable but our most meaningful battles are within. Accepting ourselves is the root of unconditional love. The little things don’t matter now and won’t matter 100 years from now. There is SO much more than what’s on the surface.
LOVE you no matter what.

Comment by kluster2001

I said “sometimes I FEEL I hate everyone here.” I know that’s not acceptable to say how you feel here if it’s “negative.” I’m not into censorship. Seeing this reality is false is the step I’m at now. If I’m not accepting myself, that’s where I’m at, too. I’ll accept that if that’s where I’m at. That’s my self-acceptance for now. Thanks for trying to understand(?), I guess, or tell me how to see things, or is it just how you see things, maybe? Everyone has his own opinion. Thanks for reading.

Comment by Marla Luster

Omg I just want to reach out and hug you! Thank you for being so open and honest. In order to be transformed we must first step out of our comfort zone. Which you’ve done with this post and that is first step to healing. I’m on my phone replying to this post so when I’m able to get on the comp I’m going to give a more in depth response.

Comment by moonlitcompass

thanks so much. this is response enough. i’ll have to visit your blog again. i follow it but i’m guessing you haven’t posted lately, like you may have already said in a previous comment.

Comment by Marla Luster

Okay so I said I was coming back when I got on the comp well…HERE I AM lol. Anyway again to build on my earlier comment I love the fact that you were so open and honest. There are too many of us who are suffering because we let society tell us that we are not perfection. Well I got news for you and everyone else who happens to read my comment, WE ARE PERFECTION! It’s time we embrace who we are and what we look like. Don’t let anyone try to tell you that you are anything less, not even yourself. I feel that you are doing a lot of processing in regards to things you’ve been through. As women we tend to carry a lot of energy/karma within our womb/vagina area. Abuse physically/spiritually/emotionally tends to manifest there physically. I feel that you must go deep within yourself to find the source of your pain and shame so that you can continue your healing process.

Susun Weed is a wonderful herbalist who knows her stuff about some herbs. Personally I believe we can heal from ANYTHING. So I found this article she wrote pertaining to herpes, best wishes love!

Herbal Remedies for Genital Herpes
One in five college students has genital herpes. It is an annoying viral infection that is resistant to drugs, but fortunately, not to herbs.
Ointments of lemon balm (Melissa off.) or hyssop (Hyssopus off.) can be used to counter active sores. Use of both the oil (externally) and the tincture (internally) of Hypericum perforatum (St. John’s wort, St. Joan’s wort) daily for a month or more can eliminate the virus from the nerves and skin. Make a brew of one ounce each burdock (Arctium lappa) and echinacea (Echinacea augustifolia) roots boiled for five minutes in a quart of water and then steeped for four hours, covered. Drinking this brew daily for three months can remove the herpes virus from the blood.
Black currants have been shown to prevent the herpes virus from attaching to cells. A polysaccharide in self heal (Prunella vulgaris) has been shown to target the herpes virus.
Glycyrrhizic acid from licorice hones in on the herpes virus and causes it to self-destruct.
To prevent outbreaks, try strengthening your immune system with astragalus tincture, nettle infusion, and dandelion wine. Food sources of lysine — halibut, chicken, and goats’ milk — are better than pills of L-lysine to relieve the pain and prevent recurrences of herpes.

Comment by moonlitcompass

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