Enlustered


Trying to Be Freer
March 31, 2014, 9:36 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

I started writing something the other day about an annoying person, but didn’t feel good about it, maybe because it was too mean. I was going to fix it, but now I don’t want to. I don’t feel like writing much lately. I feel a bit paralyzed. I don’t know what my motivation to write is anymore if I’m not angry or trying to redeem myself or explain myself. I feel like I want to avoid being too serious and instead write something liberating. If it’s true that we teach who we are (like it says a lot of places, including in the book The Courage To Teach), whatever I write will teach freedom if I feel free.

I guess I’ll teach horror today. I feel a bit of horror, fear tonight, which is supposed to be a symptom of “schizophrenia,” but is described in A Course in Miracles as a lack of love. I was going to go to a study group meeting for ACIM tonight, but I saw the meeting as possibly depressing because I don’t like when people talk about what they do wrong, or what people shouldn’t do, like not judge. like people do sometimes in the meeting. I just feel like it’s too heavy, not freeing.

I guess I could’ve gone and given it another chance. I don’t usually feel free to be myself there; I see the people as stereotypical, old, white people. That sounds really mean, but they seem so unfree. Everything about it just seems so sad and poor and rundown, even though it’s in a nice church. If how we see the world is how we see ourselves, maybe that’s how I feel. Maybe I feel stereotypical, poor, unfree, and rundown because when I’m there I’m just doing more of what I’ve done all my life: withdrawing and being an audience member (for a mostly dull performance) of life all around me. Ugh.

I just feel like so much is held back, like I’m there under false pretenses, like we’re all there under false pretenses, pretending to try to love with a mask on. I don’t feel up for being myself there. There’s this moment in the beginning of the meeting when everyone can tell something about themselves or something about their experience with the book. I always want to tell about my experience with “schizophrenia” so I can mention it if something we read relates to an experience I’ve had. I never do, though. Once I even just wanted to correct what someone said about bipolar disorder. That day someone said he knew a person who was acting illogically, like she was bipolar. It was almost like a test for me to speak up. I tried, but I kept quiet.

In the past, I’ve not wanted to tell people (there or anywhere) that I’m on disability, another way I’m kind of wearing a mask. I guess I care less now, but perhaps it’s still discouraging to bring “the new me” to someplace I’ve been disappointed with (bored with) in the past. Why was I going to go to the meeting in first place? I just want to get more guidance, would love to get something new and interesting to explore, but then again, not really.

Maybe I’ve been bored lately and that’s why I haven’t wanted to write, nothing has excited me enough to want to write. Writing always makes me feel less afraid, though. I was publicizing my posts on Facebook, but it feels better if I’m not thinking that others will read this as I write. Other bloggers are different, are less of an audience and more like fellow participants.

I guess eventually I’ll grow to care about that less, too. I don’t really want to be private and guarded. I think it is a step back before I take another step forward. I said a long time ago I wanted to be myself and be a part of the world at the same time. I feel like everything that’s happened since then is challenging me to really do that: A big obstacle to me really living is in how I see the world, and God/life/my true self has been working on me. Recently (because of the aforementioned annoying person I’m trying to NOT be like) I’m seeing how I create my own reality.

In my reality I can be disliked by everyone and “crazy,” or I can be perfectly fine–it’s all in how I see things and myself. The annoying person is really hard on herself, always saying really fucked up stuff about herself (like about how fat she is) and is really obsessive about stuff that isn’t true, like people talking about her. It’s all in her head. It’s annoying, but releasing at the same time. If I want to believe everybody loves me, it’s as true as I believe it to be. If everyone loves me, I can do whatever I want. If someone can be trapped in a depressing reality when it isn’t even true(!), like the annoying person, why not a happy one?

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