Enlustered


Guidance All Around

The first voice I ever heard (which was, “[Name] is not the one”) was guidance. That name omitted is the name of a woman I had a crush on, which is another story. I heard the voice several months before I met the man I believed was my soul mate and started hearing more voices and having other experiences that were later diagnosed as schizophrenia.

I’ve always wanted to hear stuff like what voices tell me. Aside from voices, I use how I feel as guidance to know things. I also see guidance in movies, songs and other creative things. I see guidance in “signs” I notice in repetitive things.

But here are some examples of “guidance” that first motivated me to write this a couple of days ago:

1. “That which you judge you become.”

I heard this in a rap song on the radio as I was driving in the parking lot of the grocery store Tuesday. Really I misheard the line I’m quoting from the song “B.O.B.” by John Doe: “But that which you’d judge I become.” Anyway, I wanted to know why I shouldn’t judge and the misheard line was an answer.

I judge people as fake a lot. Judging others as fake adds another layer to what’s really going on inside me. Being fake is just putting a layer on top of what’s really going on with you, smiling when you are unhappy, for example. But that doesn’t make a person any less human, just harder to see with physical sight, not “spiritual sight” (which A Course in Miracles talks about).

I judge because I feel judged (by myself in the end). Others showing only the parts of themselves that look happy or successful says (in my insecure opinion) that I am unacceptable for not being happy, etc. But that only bothers me if I look to others for the truth of how I should be. I would prefer to just be confident, to know who I truly am, something I think a voice has been telling me to do lately but in another language, Greek, since I heard my sister talking about “gnothi seauton” (know thyself). 

2. “I live for the applause.” — Lady Gaga

I heard this song in my head the other day and decided to write this post because I felt good about all my guidance, which I see as guidance to awakening/enlightenment. I live for the applause: It’s hard not to try to impress with my intellect or whatever “assets” I have. This is part of what makes it hard to connect with others. The gentle part of who I am (and who others are) is often hidden under layers of reactions, like my anger or my desire to appear favorably.

For example, I noticed I was trying to seem smart and in control one day at the doctor’s office when I felt the doctor and an intern were looking at “schizophrenia” as a problem. I like to–but don’t always–see “schizo” as guidance, but I think that’s all it is. Instead of speaking from under my layers to the doctor, I felt ashamed, so I hid details of what I did the night I walked outside naked (like that I was walking in front of cars) and I didn’t tell the doctor the truth about how I’ve been taking the medicine (not at the prescribed dose).

It’s easier to be real if I feel like others are like me, not different from me. I was looking down on myself with the doctor that day. That could’ve been a point of connection if I spoke from under the layers.

3. “To err is fiction.” — a voice in my head

I like how this mocks, “To err is human.” I don’t believe in mistakes. Suppressing so-called mistakes is partly why it’s so hard to connect with people. When I feel less than I want to either lash out at others or impress them (or withdraw as I have most of my life).

But I cut this quote short. The voice really said, “To err is fiction, like the fiction you share.” It probably means that anything I do while believing I’m separate from others is dreaming or “fiction.” Dreams do nothing to what is true. The truth is that we are all one with God, according to ACIM.

I leave you with another quote that describes my changes of mind that are happening. The quote by Michael Bassey Johnson is on goodreads.com : “You drank acid, and it turned a vitality drink in your stomach… You were headstrong and rude, then suddenly, you find yourself very humble and compassionate. Don’t think all these things are magic… God is the power behind your metamorphosis.”

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2 Comments so far
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Yea I deal with this same thing a lot and trying to change it seems daunting but necessary. We feel judged because we judge others. If judging others can be eliminated then feeling judged would be as well because judgments don’t even enter your reality. Not to mention that judging is a form of trying to make ourselves feel better by putting others down, at least in my experience of it.

Comment by MindfuLust

I agree 100 percent. I think I said I judge because I feel judged and you reversed that, but it’s the same thing, true either way. Glad you’re back!

Comment by Enlustered




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