Enlustered


I Hear You
March 4, 2014, 4:07 pm
Filed under: Marriage, Mental Illness, Race, Society | Tags: , , ,

When you listen to made up rules and say in the voice of the man that you are wrong and inappropriate you speak of me and all people. Please don’t say it for me. I have heard it all my life. It gets old. Instead do what has never been done. At least not by King, or Jefferson or Lincoln. We don’t know what freedom is. Believe in yourself for a moment and forget the world. The world is temporary but you are timeless. Believe in yourself and understand the woman no one understands. She stands on the edge. You will know her and feel no wall between you and her if you believe. Stand with yourself and stand with her. Believe in yourself for a moment and you will forget the villain the world makes from the things you cannot stand to see in yourself. The things you hide and throw away wait in a sea of unconditional love that we do not accept as our home, too. The things we throw away threaten life because the things we throw away threaten life. The “living” are like ghosts. They still oppress what is black in themselves. Free them and free yourself. Speak in one voice. Your own.

Note: I wrote this (above) after reading some mental health blogs yesterday. A couple of times I felt restricted in what to say in comments on a blog or two.

My views are not commonly held. I don’t believe in mental illness. The mentally ill are not singularly mentally ill. Everyone suffers from what people with mental illness suffer from: ourselves turning against ourselves. What manifests as more pronounced/apparent mental illness is yourself trying to bring attention to an infection, a foreign body within: societal expectations that rule us instead of our own hearts. 

My central struggle with schizophrenia is believing in something outside of myself more than myself and letting it rule my behavior. In psychotic episodes I do things I don’t want to do to be “good,” like walk outside at 4 a.m. in the snow with no shoes on. I followed the voices and beliefs I previously found to be false when I did that recently. People do the equivalent of that everyday when they go to a job they hate, or marry someone they don’t want to marry. They are against themselves, like I was on that early morning about a month ago (Jan. 31, 2014).

Everyone suffers from mental illness, i.e. a split self. Some of us just can’t take it anymore. This seems like a problem, but consider a slave who decides he just can’t be a slave anymore but no one sees he’s a slave except himself, or a man or woman in an abusive relationship who feels he/she just can’t take it anymore but no one acknowledges that the relationship is abusive. That’s a diagnosed mentally ill person’s experience–in my view. No one agrees with me, so it’s hard to just leave a comment on a person’s blog. What manifests as mental illness is not the problem; it’s a solution.

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3 Comments so far
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Reblogged this on Are You Mental? and commented:
Thank you for sharing.

Comment by edwinkimmd

“What manifests as mental illness is not the problem; it’s a solution”

I definitely think this is true to an extent. Robert Pirsig had some good writings on psychosis, citing examples of a lot of people who were happier after they went pyschotic because then they just got to live in whatever world they wanted to.

But I have a hard time seeing what somethings would be a solution to. For example, I work with at-risk youth and there was one kid I’ve worked with who has borderline personality disorder, and I just can’t see how routinely destroying the living room and cursing out the staff only to come back and genuinely apologize, then do it all over again, is really a solution to anything. Maybe you can spin it like that though, not sure.

To what was your walking barefoot in the snow a solution to?

Comment by MindfuLust

Hey. I think in a lot of episodes I do stuff that seems so bad that doing them would bring the end of the world and I’d get into big trouble and never be okay again and that things would never be okay again. That’s significant because in everyday life when I say certain things I get this awful feeling afterward when I think of what I said (or wrote, especially when I was a reporter). Certain things I feel and think, if they clash with the popular reality, I just feel like a big mistake or disaster. But after at least a couple of my episodes I felt good because I couldn’t believe I was okay after what I’d done, things so socially inappropriate and wreckless (walking outside naked, screaming to people in the foodcourt at the mall that the world was ending, speeding and driving wrecklessly thinking someone was chasing me, jumping from a balcony, peeing my pants while pumping gas at a gas station). I definitely felt somewhat invincible after the last episode, during which I was standing in front of cars on the highway and also naked, two things I’d done once before. I dreaded doing it beforehand a lot, but the whole thing was now where near as bad as I imagined it would be beforehand, even with the frostbite on my toes. It was over so fast, and I thought I was going to get hit by a car and raped, because a voice said “raped” before I did it and rape was a fear of mine (used to be). I think the episodes made me feel less breakable/fragile, which our culture encourages since almost everything about being human is considered something to hide, including how we really feel (anger, certain attractions, not liking a job, fear, shame, sadness in marriage, caring what people think as much as we do is hidden, etc.). Also, I think everything I’ve done in episodes is symbolic and encourages me to let go of the world’s opinions/restrictions, which have always been oppressive of everything I feel drawn to: talking about race openly (which is taboo), expressing yourself (if you’re angry or sad, or disagree with your boss), interracial relationships (I’ve felt like an “uncle tom” for liking white guys), black boys are so oppressed and not accepted and are so often put in alternative schools. I’ve always had this excitement for black boys and what they represent: they seem so confident, almost arrogant despite being looked down upon and seen as broken (for dropping out of school, for example). I was never able to believe in myself like that despite feeling rejected by the world until I stopped believing in the values of the world and everyone around me to some extent. The episodes were times when I let go of believing in the world’s reality or the reality suggested by others acting like everything was okay. That kid who destroys stuff is doing what I did in episodes, rejecting the reality that says that everything is okay when really it’s not. We are asked to be something we are not all the time and that’s not okay. Once I accepted that as true, that this reality was wrong despite everyone acting like it’s okay, I was much happier, felt less crazy and broken. I’ve let go of the world further now. I see it as my own dream meant to make me believe in myself since everything valued in this reality is against my most favorite things and values (like REALLY being yourself). Sorry for the long response.

Comment by Enlustered




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