Enlustered


Trying to Be Freer
March 31, 2014, 9:36 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

I started writing something the other day about an annoying person, but didn’t feel good about it, maybe because it was too mean. I was going to fix it, but now I don’t want to. I don’t feel like writing much lately. I feel a bit paralyzed. I don’t know what my motivation to write is anymore if I’m not angry or trying to redeem myself or explain myself. I feel like I want to avoid being too serious and instead write something liberating. If it’s true that we teach who we are (like it says a lot of places, including in the book The Courage To Teach), whatever I write will teach freedom if I feel free.

I guess I’ll teach horror today. I feel a bit of horror, fear tonight, which is supposed to be a symptom of “schizophrenia,” but is described in A Course in Miracles as a lack of love. I was going to go to a study group meeting for ACIM tonight, but I saw the meeting as possibly depressing because I don’t like when people talk about what they do wrong, or what people shouldn’t do, like not judge. like people do sometimes in the meeting. I just feel like it’s too heavy, not freeing.

I guess I could’ve gone and given it another chance. I don’t usually feel free to be myself there; I see the people as stereotypical, old, white people. That sounds really mean, but they seem so unfree. Everything about it just seems so sad and poor and rundown, even though it’s in a nice church. If how we see the world is how we see ourselves, maybe that’s how I feel. Maybe I feel stereotypical, poor, unfree, and rundown because when I’m there I’m just doing more of what I’ve done all my life: withdrawing and being an audience member (for a mostly dull performance) of life all around me. Ugh.

I just feel like so much is held back, like I’m there under false pretenses, like we’re all there under false pretenses, pretending to try to love with a mask on. I don’t feel up for being myself there. There’s this moment in the beginning of the meeting when everyone can tell something about themselves or something about their experience with the book. I always want to tell about my experience with “schizophrenia” so I can mention it if something we read relates to an experience I’ve had. I never do, though. Once I even just wanted to correct what someone said about bipolar disorder. That day someone said he knew a person who was acting illogically, like she was bipolar. It was almost like a test for me to speak up. I tried, but I kept quiet.

In the past, I’ve not wanted to tell people (there or anywhere) that I’m on disability, another way I’m kind of wearing a mask. I guess I care less now, but perhaps it’s still discouraging to bring “the new me” to someplace I’ve been disappointed with (bored with) in the past. Why was I going to go to the meeting in first place? I just want to get more guidance, would love to get something new and interesting to explore, but then again, not really.

Maybe I’ve been bored lately and that’s why I haven’t wanted to write, nothing has excited me enough to want to write. Writing always makes me feel less afraid, though. I was publicizing my posts on Facebook, but it feels better if I’m not thinking that others will read this as I write. Other bloggers are different, are less of an audience and more like fellow participants.

I guess eventually I’ll grow to care about that less, too. I don’t really want to be private and guarded. I think it is a step back before I take another step forward. I said a long time ago I wanted to be myself and be a part of the world at the same time. I feel like everything that’s happened since then is challenging me to really do that: A big obstacle to me really living is in how I see the world, and God/life/my true self has been working on me. Recently (because of the aforementioned annoying person I’m trying to NOT be like) I’m seeing how I create my own reality.

In my reality I can be disliked by everyone and “crazy,” or I can be perfectly fine–it’s all in how I see things and myself. The annoying person is really hard on herself, always saying really fucked up stuff about herself (like about how fat she is) and is really obsessive about stuff that isn’t true, like people talking about her. It’s all in her head. It’s annoying, but releasing at the same time. If I want to believe everybody loves me, it’s as true as I believe it to be. If everyone loves me, I can do whatever I want. If someone can be trapped in a depressing reality when it isn’t even true(!), like the annoying person, why not a happy one?



What Can You Be But Lost?
March 29, 2014, 3:42 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

Sometimes the lines of villain and victim are blurred. “Victims” of crime who’ve sought revenge can still be punished.

Sometimes the lines of black and white are blurred. Some black women are submissive and some white women act mean.

Sometimes the lines of mean and nice are blurred. Sometimes saying “no” is being nice, and not just nice to yourself.

Sometimes the lines of right and wrong are blurred.

One thing is reliable: yourself.

If you reject your feelings and thoughts in favor of outside opinions of “right” and “wrong,” what can you be but lost?



Minds Are Joined = No Private Thoughts
March 27, 2014, 9:32 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

I have not read this far into ACIM, but I have felt before that people can sense things, read between the lines. It’s important to me to be more bare, less indirect, which can happen unintentionally, UNCONSCIOUSLY for us humans. Good thing we get lots of chances and love and grace/undoing–no karma.

MIRACLES EACH DAY

ACIM Workbook Lesson 19 – for Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Affirmation:  “I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts.”

Selected Passage:

“Today we are again emphasizing the fact that minds are joined.  This is rarely a wholly welcome idea at first, since it seems to carry with it an enormous sense of responsibility, and may even be regarded as an ‘invasion of privacy.’  Yet it is a fact that there are no private thoughts.  (WB30)”

Reflections:

Today’s lesson is, with minor exceptions, a concept that was introduced in the lesson for yesterday.  The added fact of “responsibility” is the new contribution.  We may be prone to become fearful when we realize that our thoughts have such power.  But Jesus assures us elsewhere that indeed our minds are very creative, that our minds never sleep.  He says that he knows that we do not believe this now, and…

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So Funny…
March 22, 2014, 10:37 am
Filed under: Human Potential

“Mase, could you please stop smokin’ la la?/Puff, why try, I’m a thug, Imma die-ha.” — from “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” by Mase and P-Diddy

Mase seems to have been a good rapper. When I hear his old songs on the radio I’m disappointed that he changed and became a preacher. I still like the naughty side of being human that rap embraces so satisfyingly. Yum, yum. I don’t think I will ever get enough of it–until I awaken, I guess.



Guidance All Around

The first voice I ever heard (which was, “[Name] is not the one”) was guidance. That name omitted is the name of a woman I had a crush on, which is another story. I heard the voice several months before I met the man I believed was my soul mate and started hearing more voices and having other experiences that were later diagnosed as schizophrenia.

I’ve always wanted to hear stuff like what voices tell me. Aside from voices, I use how I feel as guidance to know things. I also see guidance in movies, songs and other creative things. I see guidance in “signs” I notice in repetitive things.

But here are some examples of “guidance” that first motivated me to write this a couple of days ago:

1. “That which you judge you become.”

I heard this in a rap song on the radio as I was driving in the parking lot of the grocery store Tuesday. Really I misheard the line I’m quoting from the song “B.O.B.” by John Doe: “But that which you’d judge I become.” Anyway, I wanted to know why I shouldn’t judge and the misheard line was an answer.

I judge people as fake a lot. Judging others as fake adds another layer to what’s really going on inside me. Being fake is just putting a layer on top of what’s really going on with you, smiling when you are unhappy, for example. But that doesn’t make a person any less human, just harder to see with physical sight, not “spiritual sight” (which A Course in Miracles talks about).

I judge because I feel judged (by myself in the end). Others showing only the parts of themselves that look happy or successful says (in my insecure opinion) that I am unacceptable for not being happy, etc. But that only bothers me if I look to others for the truth of how I should be. I would prefer to just be confident, to know who I truly am, something I think a voice has been telling me to do lately but in another language, Greek, since I heard my sister talking about “gnothi seauton” (know thyself). 

2. “I live for the applause.” — Lady Gaga

I heard this song in my head the other day and decided to write this post because I felt good about all my guidance, which I see as guidance to awakening/enlightenment. I live for the applause: It’s hard not to try to impress with my intellect or whatever “assets” I have. This is part of what makes it hard to connect with others. The gentle part of who I am (and who others are) is often hidden under layers of reactions, like my anger or my desire to appear favorably.

For example, I noticed I was trying to seem smart and in control one day at the doctor’s office when I felt the doctor and an intern were looking at “schizophrenia” as a problem. I like to–but don’t always–see “schizo” as guidance, but I think that’s all it is. Instead of speaking from under my layers to the doctor, I felt ashamed, so I hid details of what I did the night I walked outside naked (like that I was walking in front of cars) and I didn’t tell the doctor the truth about how I’ve been taking the medicine (not at the prescribed dose).

It’s easier to be real if I feel like others are like me, not different from me. I was looking down on myself with the doctor that day. That could’ve been a point of connection if I spoke from under the layers.

3. “To err is fiction.” — a voice in my head

I like how this mocks, “To err is human.” I don’t believe in mistakes. Suppressing so-called mistakes is partly why it’s so hard to connect with people. When I feel less than I want to either lash out at others or impress them (or withdraw as I have most of my life).

But I cut this quote short. The voice really said, “To err is fiction, like the fiction you share.” It probably means that anything I do while believing I’m separate from others is dreaming or “fiction.” Dreams do nothing to what is true. The truth is that we are all one with God, according to ACIM.

I leave you with another quote that describes my changes of mind that are happening. The quote by Michael Bassey Johnson is on goodreads.com : “You drank acid, and it turned a vitality drink in your stomach… You were headstrong and rude, then suddenly, you find yourself very humble and compassionate. Don’t think all these things are magic… God is the power behind your metamorphosis.”



“Mon-KEYS!”

Several days ago I was at the grocery store and I saw a man and his daughter looking for their keys. The father kept interrupting the cashier who was scanning my groceries, asking her to look in the trash, in the register for his keys since the cashier used his savings card on his key ring to ring up his groceries. When I got to my car after leaving the store I felt bad for ignoring the father and daughter. Once I lost my keys (which employees found days later) in an Old Navy store and it bothered me that no one else seemed to care.

When I saw the father and daughter in the store I was not happy to see them. Then and recently I’ve been dazed by the thought that this universe is my dream and that it’s up to me to awaken from it. I’ve felt burdened that I have to do something I don’t know how to do. At the time I felt that if this was a dream and the father and daughter looking for their keys was symbolic of something, I wouldn’t figure out what. I just felt over-burdened by the whole dream thing, unready for new symbols.

But earlier today it all made sense.

One night after that day in the store (maybe the same night?) I was lying in bed and I heard a voice say, “Monkeys. Mon-KEYS!” with an emphasis on “keys” the second time. The only reference to monkeys I could think of was from a few days before. I read a comment on a blog talking about how monkeys were not monogamous. I didn’t see any connection. I felt like maybe I was crazy and thought I’d just forget about the voice.

But then today I used a stamp to mail a form I filled out for Medicare to pay for my ambulance ride to the hospital (when I walked outside naked). It was a forever stamp and on it it said, “Equality.”

Amidst all these “signs,” I am also looking for the answer to another question: How do I love people around me when I don’t see myself in them? Since I started seeing this reality as a dream, I felt less angry at others. I started seeing them as illusions meant to challenge my belief that this “reality” is fake, fake because it suggests people can be happy even though they are largely separate from each other, images to each other rather than humans. But I still felt resentful of others, especially when I saw them as having stereotypical happiness, even if I disbelieved they were truly happy.

Then today, it clicked when I figured out how to view “fakeness.” The keys I’ve been looking for are the “Mon-KEYS!” The three wise monkeys: One speaks no evil. One hears no evil. One sees no evil. They represent perfect “Equality” (like on the stamp) of all things to me, that there is no lesser thing, no evil.  I read about “perfect equality” before in the book A Course in Miracles.

The three monkeys represent a new world to me: A world without judgment. (Note: How I see the monkeys is NOT traditional.)

I see my brothers. No matter what they do, whether they are illusions in a dream or something more, I can remember the three monkeys: There is no evil, so I see nor hear evil. I made the three-monkey connection after I remembered that whatever is said or done that does not make me feel one with another person does nothing. People appearing to be happy does nothing and should not make me angry. Anything that makes me feel separate from others is the dream. Dreams do nothing.

I thought I could awaken from this dream by closing my eyes and believing I could leave since I figured out it was a dream, and I was the one dreaming. I even heard voices say, “Come home.” Each time I tried, I stopped because I was afraid of the unknown. A voice told me I had to be sure in order to leave.

Maybe I need a segue way. Maybe I can leave this world before I actually leave by not believing in evil, by not getting angry at others or myself, which are the same, according to a song I hear in my head. I hear “Dancing with Myself” by Billy Idol every time I think mean thoughts of someone. It bothers me when I hear it. At least I can “act a monkey” and hear no evil when I hear it.



I Hear You
March 4, 2014, 4:07 pm
Filed under: Marriage, Mental Illness, Race, Society | Tags: , , ,

When you listen to made up rules and say in the voice of the man that you are wrong and inappropriate you speak of me and all people. Please don’t say it for me. I have heard it all my life. It gets old. Instead do what has never been done. At least not by King, or Jefferson or Lincoln. We don’t know what freedom is. Believe in yourself for a moment and forget the world. The world is temporary but you are timeless. Believe in yourself and understand the woman no one understands. She stands on the edge. You will know her and feel no wall between you and her if you believe. Stand with yourself and stand with her. Believe in yourself for a moment and you will forget the villain the world makes from the things you cannot stand to see in yourself. The things you hide and throw away wait in a sea of unconditional love that we do not accept as our home, too. The things we throw away threaten life because the things we throw away threaten life. The “living” are like ghosts. They still oppress what is black in themselves. Free them and free yourself. Speak in one voice. Your own.

Note: I wrote this (above) after reading some mental health blogs yesterday. A couple of times I felt restricted in what to say in comments on a blog or two.

My views are not commonly held. I don’t believe in mental illness. The mentally ill are not singularly mentally ill. Everyone suffers from what people with mental illness suffer from: ourselves turning against ourselves. What manifests as more pronounced/apparent mental illness is yourself trying to bring attention to an infection, a foreign body within: societal expectations that rule us instead of our own hearts. 

My central struggle with schizophrenia is believing in something outside of myself more than myself and letting it rule my behavior. In psychotic episodes I do things I don’t want to do to be “good,” like walk outside at 4 a.m. in the snow with no shoes on. I followed the voices and beliefs I previously found to be false when I did that recently. People do the equivalent of that everyday when they go to a job they hate, or marry someone they don’t want to marry. They are against themselves, like I was on that early morning about a month ago (Jan. 31, 2014).

Everyone suffers from mental illness, i.e. a split self. Some of us just can’t take it anymore. This seems like a problem, but consider a slave who decides he just can’t be a slave anymore but no one sees he’s a slave except himself, or a man or woman in an abusive relationship who feels he/she just can’t take it anymore but no one acknowledges that the relationship is abusive. That’s a diagnosed mentally ill person’s experience–in my view. No one agrees with me, so it’s hard to just leave a comment on a person’s blog. What manifests as mental illness is not the problem; it’s a solution.