Lone Journey Into The Dark
February 28, 2014, 7:04 pm
Filed under: Theology

“Should I listen to everybody or myself? Cause myself just told myself, ‘You the motherfuckin’ man, you don’t need no help.'” — Drake in “All Me”


butternut squash soup
February 28, 2014, 2:31 pm
Filed under: Mental Illness, Society | Tags: , , , , , ,

soup and more 050

Maybe it ruins the atmosphere here to post something like this, but I made this soup pictured (Adzuki Bean Butternut Squash Soup With Cilantro Drizzle) over the course of two days: chopping onions and garlic one day and the squash and cilantro the next day. I’m posting it because I’d like to save my adaptations to the recipe, which I think are smart and effective in making a yummy soup without one of the called-for ingredients. I avoid tomatoes, and the recipe calls for five canned tomatoes.

And maybe I’d like to just do whatever I want here. I dislike rules and narrow paths.

Cooking has become an absolute chore since coming home from the hospital seventeen days ago after what looked like a “psychotic episode.” But cooking seems necessary to lower the grocery bill–and I’m especially encouraged to eat healthy since I’ve been sick with a cold for the second time recently when I’m used to never getting sick when I regularly cook.

Even though I enjoy cooking less lately, I still enjoy eating something I have made because, unlike frozen meals and eating out, my meals are made with love and care. I see it as simply a more fitting, trustworthy meal. I prefer using some organic and locally grown ingredients, but I’m not sure I will be able to sustain this effort as it seems I will have to pay some hospital bills.

I am looking to God on the bill thing because I really don’t want to pay.

Really I just want to be free of consequences for my actions, which were walking outside naked and shoeless and standing in front of cars on the highway. For some reason, I don’t see the frost bite on my toes as a consequence, but a reward. I thought I was going to get hit by a car and die, and at one point raped, but all I got was frostbite. I haven’t gotten around to seeing the medical bills the same way. An impersonal world’s forced solution to my condition and I have to pay for it–that’s how I see it. The only reason people do messed up things is because they believe in the world and its unquestioned ways instead of themselves. I think I was being separatist (like the culture I live in) when I did what I did. Still making sense of things.

Anyway, here’s a bit about the recipe I’d like to take note of:

See 101 cookbooks for the recipe. I followed all the directions, but added three and a half extra cups of butternut squash, which was the amount the squash I had yielded, to make up for the five canned tomatoes. I also added lemon juice to the soup and to the cilantro drizzle, to which I also added a little ume plum vinegar instead of more salt and additional olive oil because too much oil upsets my stomach. I also subbed a heaping teaspoon of powdered chipotle pepper and more to taste for the dried chipotle peppers called for. One cup of dried aduki beans plus a little more yielded about four cups cooked beans. I started with half the salt called for and added more later, along with a portion of a bouillon cube for more flavor.

soup and more 053

A Conversation With Myself
February 25, 2014, 8:24 pm
Filed under: Education, Race, Society | Tags: , , ,

Waaah. No one’s reading my post on soul mates. I even shared it on Facebook. Everyone hates me. Oh well. I can still talk to myself…

Me: Self, why does nobody like me?

Self: Well, because you’re rude and mean and what, do you think you know everything, challenging the status quo that others seem to follow as if it were God?

Me: Self, I read that if I know myself, then my knowledge is complete, so I guess, to some extent, I do think I know everything. Plus, I say such interesting things. I feel so smart. I thought I was dumb all my life from going to schools that were thought up originally by white people for white people, who thought they were the best of people who knew everything because they had more things than tribal people. It’s symbolic: Those who seem the most light (with white skin) are the least enlightened because they look outside to material things, like skin color and money, for their value. In reality our light is inside and withstands all things, even death or making a mixed-race baby, which is still rare because people of all races are still fixated on race. We still worship white people and their old ways and look down on the darkest of people because they have fewer things.

Self: Oh, sounds like you have a reason to be a bit rude.

Me: Not exactly, it’s just that naturally people don’t feel like smiling and being extra nice all the time, especially considering all the societal expectations for a nigga, so I thought I’d just be myself and I felt a bit angry a couple of posts ago and just every now and then. Plus, I always liked mean people. I thought they were so real, and because of that, so loving, like they really cared. Like they didn’t just pretend to care.

Self: Really, that’s all you have to do. Be yourself, no matter how happy or angry. That is the light of who you are: your true self, which is God, Who is unconditional love, which is you. Not skin color or seeming happy all the time, which calls for disregarding your state of mind and the state of mind of your brother.

Me: I agree. You know Self, I think everything’s gonna be alright. Thanks Self.

Self: You’re welcome.

‘Reversing the Journey’ and Soul Mates
February 25, 2014, 11:56 am
Filed under: Mental Illness, Race, Society, Theology | Tags: , , , ,

Maybe this (below) is what happened to me after I met Will and went “crazy.” Since I’ve met him I’ve felt a lot of pain and rejection, not understanding why we’re not together, but I’ve blossomed into the most beautiful (strong, open, naughty and nice) person. I guess I’ve been and still am “reversing my journey” inward instead of outward (as we learn to do) for truth, as this blogger describes (below). I love many of the ideas expressed in the excerpt and the whole post. 

I haven’t seen Will since I met him in January 2008, but I felt at second sight that I knew him almost as if he were family. Shortly after meeting him I started feeling sensations and hearing voices that doctors now diagnose as part of schizophrenia. For the record, I do not believe in mental illness, just the self trying to be whole. Our (old, white, oppressive) culture in the U.S. encourages us to repress “negative” feelings and “shameful” things about ourselves.

Perhaps this practice is leftover from the days of slavery when people tried to sugarcoat slavery, even promoting the idea that slaves were happy with slavery when really no one was happy with it, just as no one was happy with segregation, even though people pretended to be happy in those fake, “innocent,” television shows from that time period. [I deleted some things here I’d like to explore more, and in one instance something that was unintentionally incorrect, that sounded like I thought Native Americans were slaves.]

I believed in soul mates for years and then I felt I’d met mine in Will. Maybe for a month or longer recently I stopped believing in soul mates, but then the feeling that Will was with me came back while I was in the hospital almost a month ago after having walked outside naked and barefoot and stood in front of cars on the highway near my sister’s house where I still live.

I went outside naked because I believed I’d be evil and with Satan (and all the fake people in the U.S.) if I didn’t do it. Some ideas in the post I link to reflect my belief now that there is no darkness (or evil or “devil”) that cannot be illuminated (or undone) by each of us who has found the light within us.

I got this idea that light comes from us from the voices saying that we are the stars in the sky. I take it as symbolic, but possibly also literally true. I’m not sure yet. Also an experience I had the night I walked outside naked proved what I already believed but briefly forgot that night: that traditional “evil,” such as in “evil” people (like robbers or rapists), is just an illusion of our old, simplistic, “the other”-based culture.

For the record, I am not sure I believe in marriage or monogamy, which are traditionally very separatist. 

From the post Beautiful Family on the blog Ocean of Compassion:

“The true soul mate is someone who guides you to find the true love within. He/she can serve you, or he/she can wound you. You will be hurted, betrayed, scorned by your soul mate. But these soul wounds are not the ordinary wounds, but the wounds that reverses the journey. From hunting for love outside towards rediscovering the diamond of love within.

After rediscovering the diamond of love inside, then someone understands his/her self deeper and deeper. One meets the peak of journey within when he/she can directly experience that soul is never split. Since the beginning, soul is whole, complete, perfect. As a result, one does not only stop hunting for love outside, but the soul beginning to glow and illuminating the darkness of all, include illuminating the one who ever hurted. A friend who has come to this stage wrote: “I’ve seen your ugly parts and I stay to Illuminate your darkness”. The dark sides of his partner has been disclosed, but he continues the marriage to illuminate the darkness.

My Pretend Facebook With Less Pressure To Be Fake
February 24, 2014, 8:40 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

Pretend Status (that I would put on Facebook if I didn’t need a break from the fake): “I just started living. (This is actually a line in that Miley Cyrus song “Adore You.” I like the song, but not the lyrics, which to me are unoriginal and stereotypical for the most part. Just not art. I like Miley, though, she’s trying to break free and it ain’t pretty, but the act has no choice but to be beautiful.)”

To Judge Or To Pretend Not To Judge
February 22, 2014, 9:55 am
Filed under: Human Potential | Tags: , , , ,

Recently I said in a discussion at a book study meeting that I thought Eckhart Tolle didn’t seem all that enlightened. (I have my reasons.) And the book study group leader said I was judging Eckhart Tolle. I told him about a woman who said to me recently that judging was an everyday necessity (judging whether a cup of water tastes good or not), but that condemning was the thing to avoid. He said, “There’s a difference between judging and discerning.” I said, “Okay, so I’m judging Eckhart Tolle,” and went on to say what I wanted to say.

Here’s my question. Which is more insane: To judge and know you judge, as I did, or do like the study group leader and judge someone for judging and pretend you do nothing wrong, but that someone else does do something wrong when he judges? Hence my point, and the woman’s point: to judge is not the problem. It’s condemning.

I’ll Be Dat (Once More, And Again…)

I realize I use my “pen” as a sword. My “Get Real” post is rude, but I figure it’s no ruder than a person smiling when he’s unhappy or posting a wedding photo on Facebook for the anniversary of a marriage he would rather not be in. At least I’m not lying. In a way I wonder if I am lying because I’m so angry at others in “Get Real.” Am I really angry at myself for believing in others more than myself, just because others are the majority? It’s what I’ve done all my life. I was angry in first grade and I was a bully. I pulled the hair of the mixed-race girl across the street and the blonde-haired twins at school and teased other kids a lot. Should I have smiled instead when I thought I was ugly because I was  brown-skinned, and dumb because I was black like most of the kids in the low reading group that I KNEW WAS LOW even though no one said so? Being a bully was more honest than swallowing my anger like I started doing early on as a kid. I hid my anger because I was afraid no one liked me because I was a bully. They probably didn’t. Now I say, “So what?” How many people like themselves in this world where we’re expected to hide ourselves and all our so-called “flaws,” like the nappy hair I begged my mom to straighten and flatten as a kid. If that mean and angry girl (and woman I am today) resurfaces from time to time, let her reign and let it rain on me in whatever consequences that come. That little girl was afraid of no one liking her. But not anymore. As far as I can tell, no one likes anyone because almost no one is himself. And, no conflict is as difficult and insane as the one a person can have with himself. Let others dislike me, not me dislike me. Oh, was I angry at myself when I wrote “Get Real”? Maybe. Mad for staying quiet for so long when I felt overwhelmed by all the fakeness accepted as reality all around me, even though IT MADE NO SENSE TO ME. So many times I cried because I felt nothing made sense, there was so much noise I felt I was expected to pay attention to. I thought this “reality” was fake, but almost everyone around me “told” me it was real. If I was mad at myself in “Get Real,” I won’t be mad at myself now for being mad then. I won’t apologize for something that makes perfect sense. Perfect. I am perfect, as is anyone who believes in himself. For if you believe you are broken as the world tells us every second then in that belief–and in that belief only–you are broken. I’m all about containing an infection (i.e. my anger possibly at myself that day), not letting it spread by being angry or feeling guilty about it now. Now that I got that off my chest, I can say…

Peace be with you my brother–