Enlustered


My World Has Still Not Ended, Apparently
January 17, 2014, 12:29 am
Filed under: Human Potential

I am feeling a bit fat lately, just haven’t been working out as much and not cooking like I used to and craving sweets a lot. I do feel a bit out of it at times, just like there are too many things to do and I just feel like I lose track of time doing other things and don’t get around to doing the things I need to, and it just happens day after day after day. Ugh. I almost feel like I want more control. It’s possible these feelings are due to me not taking my medicine as I’m prescribed. I will see how it goes a bit longer and if I still feel this way, I’ll get back to my usual dose. I just want to see what it is I really have to deal with in taking medicine (because I’d rather handle my situation without something that’s made up, even though I know whether or not to take my medicine is not the struggle that’s most worth taking on; it’s my belief in this world.).

I have a theory that it is something else that takes me over the edge, not the things I just described (losing my grip on time, etc.). My theory is that I go over the edge when I: 1) think the world is ending and; 2) feel really bad about it (this is what matters most), like I have to do something important and that none of the regular rules apply anymore (showering, eating, working out, speed limits, etc.). It seems on some level that my theory applies since I’m not doing the things I normally do like cook and work out, but in past “breaks from reality” doing those things were not even an option because I was so focused on having to save the world or do stuff to be with my soul mate.

I’m not interested in saving the world (just healing the separation I in many ways must still believe has occurred), or doing the right things to be with my soul mate. I don’t feel a strong need or desire to be with the person I once believed was my soul mate. I don’t even believe in soul mates anymore or any in any real meaning or purpose in any worldly thing (marriage, working for a living only, parenthood, etc.), unless it has strong personal meaning for an individual that I am unaware of as of yet. Writing has strong personal meaning for me because it lets me see what’s going on in my mind and it helps me work through things I’m feeling and intuiting, and helps me align my thoughts.

As I write and edit this I think I’ve made up my mind: I’ll go back to my regular dose of Seroquel (now 400 mg). I think I’ll know when to let go of the medicine when the time is right. I am hesitant though. It seems almost like I’m taking poison in one part of my mind. But I’ve heard of some people (true believers of some kind, certain “yogis” someone told me once) taking poison and not dying. I know I’m not a true believer yet. Back I go to the magic my mind still believes in, Seroquel, until I’m able to get a real grip on… heaven, our true reality we can all remember in our own minds (peace, oneness, eternity,  the only sanity/reality, limitless freedom and possibility).

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