Enlustered


Food So Tastaaay
January 7, 2014, 10:25 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

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Was feeling a bit down today. I guess my views of the world are a bit bleak now that I feel there’s not much here I particularly want. Or is there?

Made some delicious mocha almond butter today from a blog called “Edible Perspective.” It has a buttery taste from coconut oil in it. I would link to the recipe, but I guess I am hiding my blog, which would show on the “EP “blog if I linked to the recipe. Oh well, it’s what I feel like doing.

Anyway, sometimes I feel like the world hates me, perhaps because I have a lack of love in my own heart, or at least I’m not opening myself to the love that is supposedly within all of us. Oh well, we go through stages and places, no one better than the other. Although, I definitely feel the places I’ve been lately are so much better than they have been in the past when I used to hit myself and cry a lot and sometimes think of killing myself, not seriously obviously. No attempts in my past.

I feel the need to play down the suicidal thoughts, so that it doesn’t sound like I’m telling about them to elicit sympathy. I guess I bring them up because I like to think that I’m making progress since I don’t get as upset as I used to. Is this progress? Well, I prefer to feel calm than to get so upset that I hit myself and consider… what? I used to think about overdosing on my medication or on something like aspirin, which I read wouldn’t necessarily kill a person.

Oh well, I feel good about my almond butter. But I think it’s partly because I like the blogger who wrote the recipe. I guess it is kind of loving to share the things we enjoy. A Course in Miracles talks about this: sharing joy. I like writing. I’m just not ready to share it right now. Plus, I don’t feel much joy. Sometimes I feel glimpses of something, like that things are too good to be true, like making amaranth porridge yesterday morning. I guess as the day goes on, negative thoughts pour in. Who knows.

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