Enlustered


Back to Reality, But Not Sacrifice
January 5, 2014, 2:44 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

I used to wish I were psychic and able to know things the average person isn’t supposed to know, like how my dad felt before he died in a car accident. “Psychics,” mediums, or highly intuitive people once seemed so magical and other-worldly to me, almost like a prophet or shaman of some kind.

At one point, I thought that, since I really wanted the ability to know more than my five senses would allow, I’d be able to forecast the future one day or tell people “unknowable” things like the symbolic reason for why their financial (or other) problems persisted. It occurred to me the other day that I don’t need that ability anymore.

The world and its offerings I once most treasured (a soul mate, a baby and a successful book) have lost their luster to me. I feel less interested in whether I encounter experiences that are judged (shortsightedly) as troublesome or fortunate. Any experience can help me move closer to the things that mean the most to me now: 1) awakening from the dream of this world; 2) awakening to true reality; and 3) healing the separation between each of us and between us and God that we believe has occurred.

Usually when people talk about reality, they are referring to the belief that life is hard or that people have to suffer to succeed (“Nothing comes easy,” they say). I’ve been there and believed in that, especially in psychotic episodes. (I’m diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.)

In my first episode I thought I had to let myself fall on a concrete floor and hit my head to get the devil out of me. In my last and third psychotic break I thought I had to walk outside naked to leave this world, which I thought was ending. But even in doing those things the only suffering I experienced was believing, literally, that I had to do things I didn’t want to do to be worthy of God not leaving me behind.

When I say awakening to “reality,” I’m talking about awakening to heaven. In reality, as I’ve read about it, we are all one, there is no judgment, and without judgment, no suffering or sense of lack; there is only perfect love. I’ve read in A Course in Miracles that heaven is the reality where we are right now, dreaming the dream of this world. In reality there’s no such thing as good or bad or degrees of anything.

“Good” and “bad” is imagined only in this dream, where someone has to fail for another to win, even if “someone” and “another” are both yourself. Pessimism or the belief in suffering to “succeed” is commonly seen as realism to people I meet everyday. Perhaps, unbeknownst to me (until now), I am one of these people.

Now that I think of it, I complain a lot about clingy people in my life. I feel like I don’t have a real relationship with them because they seem absent. Absent because they don’t see their value and so they constantly look outside for what’s judged as “enjoyable,” including looking to me to play the role of “friend,” which is someone who apparently helps another person enjoy life. (This is untrue. All one needs to enjoy life is being, i.e. oneness with yourself where you are not split between being yourself inside and the person you think you should be outside.)

As I write this, it’s clear that I’m dealing with humans (my “brothers,” says ACIM ) who are caught up in the machine (or false reality), and I can handle it by being as human as I can and not suffering, or acting out of feeling like a victim of my “clingy” brothers. I am not a victim because I cannot be diminished in any way imaginable.

This is partly why I write, to see what’s hidden from my awareness. The book, A Course in Miracles, says awakening is becoming aware of what is already in your mind. Maybe this is why hidden worlds of all kinds have always intrigued me: the worlds accessed by psychics and mediums; sci-fi movies; unspoken thoughts and private lives revealed in literature; the farmer’s market, which is the world I’d never even imagined while shopping at Kroger. This seems like another subject. It’s not: Hidden worlds show how vast and “tricky” reality can be to master. Perhaps in wanting to be psychic, I hoped to have a greater grasp on reality and what is real.

Perhaps this quote best explains why I no longer desire psychic or shamanistic powers: “Yet this world is only in the mind of its maker, along with his salvation. Do not believe it is outside of yourself, for only by recognizing where it is will you gain control over it” (A Course in Miracles, p. 221).

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