Enlustered


I Gotta Let Loose Somewhere
December 4, 2013, 11:00 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

I am feeling a bit lonely and honestly crazy today like I’ve lost a sense of reality. I think mostly it’s because I’ve been alone all day today and about half of yesterday. My sister and mom are out of town and will happily be back Sunday. I could’ve gone to the mental health recovery center I sometimes go to, but I was not excited about the classes today: one for exercise (very light exercise usually) and meditation (but mostly a focus on light exercise) and another class I could’ve possibly used was “self compassion.” I think sometimes I am turned off from the center because it seems a bit pathetic, like it’s for someone who feels sorry for himself because he has a “mental illness.” I’ve felt that way about the center for a long time, I just don’t see it as an empowering place–maybe simply because the people seeking services there don’t seem empowered and perhaps that’s “normal” since they are “recovering.”

Perhaps the center seems too inside the box to me in the way it treats mental illness (as a handicap) and someone’s path to re-entering the workforce if he is on disability (like I am); the focus seems to be fitting into established expectations for employees rather than being one’s self–to me this is the cause of the “mental illness” that almost everyone suffers from, not just the “mentally ill.” Rejecting your own self (desires, dreams, personality) in order to accept some reality outside yourself is insanity and was the central decision I made over and over in all three of my psychotic episodes. I don’t want to criticize the center and I’m sorry for being critical of it (without doing something about it–I don’t plan to do anything). Honestly if it were different, I’m not sure I’d care or really want to go as I am usually stuck in the position of feeling misunderstood and like an outsider. Perhaps that (pathetic? self-pitying?) view is the reason I see the center in a negative light to begin with. I like their Creative Recovery class though; it’s brightened my day so many times.

At times I have felt like nothing in the world is meant for me, like I don’t belong here (I guess when I’m not thinking of veganism, brownies, pizza, the man I feel is my soul mate, literature, the wonderful James Baldwin…). The reason I mention this is partly because lately I’m uncovering more things that seem almost especially for me, like one of the farms whose produce I buy at the farmer’s market. Well, specifically I just feel like their practices at the time I read about them seemed to fall exactly in line with what I was valuing at the time. They use something called Japanese Natural Farming, which I googled and found in a wikipedia article relates to allowing produce to grow naturally with little outside interference. At the time I read it I was all big on the idea that “success is effortlessness.” I heard that saying in a yoga class once but was unable to find the full quote when I searched for it online. The more I get to know things about the family who runs the farm the more I like them and feel like they’re my kind of people–at least so far. It’s rare that I hold on to anything for long it seems, but saying this feels inharmonious/untrue in this case as I write it. I’m glad. I feel I really like the farm and that it is something I’d like to have more and more to do with in whatever way I am able. I will admit to having a slight crush on the farmer I see at the farmer’s market for the farm, for the sake of full disclosure.

This subject of finding one’s self mirrored in the world has come up for me a couple of times before. I remember mentioning to someone (a friend of a friend) once on Facebook about how I understood the desire for others to mirror our feelings about things like quitting a job, wanting others to support us. Other times I thought about the idea of finding my soul mate, and how it seemed to be some confirmation that I and others are deliberate–not the mistakes we seem to learn we are. Sorry that last comment is loaded/negative once more, but it seems we learn so much about how we should be or how evil people are for things like… infidelity (hey, it’s on my mind for more reasons than my crush on the married farmer). The sexual self is very much imprisoned and villainized in a monogamy-centered society.

Really, how often is it that who we are fits within the expectations society seems to have for who we should be or who we are? For example, is a woman who has a crush on a married man evil if she refuses to contain it? I don’t know what to do honestly, but I won’t control (or “castrate,” as I often say) myself as I feel I’m expected to. I am not a dog on a leash. However, I will honor my feelings of love for all people involved wherever that takes me, which may be nowhere at all, meaning I’d simply keep my crush within myself to experience–perhaps because it has no useful place outside myself–until it fades. For now the crush mostly just interests me, shows me a bit about myself, makes me feel alive. It helps me see how important other people must be to each and every one of us.

That helps me see I’ve got to stop isolating like I do, even when there are no classes I want to go to at the recovery center. I don’t mean to do it, it just sort of happens. Maybe I’ll give the center another try–or not. I’ll have to see how I feel.

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