Enlustered


My Reality
August 19, 2012, 12:38 pm
Filed under: Human Potential, Mental Illness

“But we’re never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy.” — Seal in “Crazy”

This is a song I’ve had in my head before and that I assumed was a message to me. The message: that my “mental illness” had purpose for me. Lately I haven’t heard it. Lately I hear, “Unforgettable,” by Nat King Cole a lot, “A Thousand Years,” by Christiana Perri a lot, “Movin’ On Up,” the theme song from the television show The Jeffersons, and sometimes I hear “California Here We Come,” by Phantom Planet, which I also heard a lot the last time I was in the hospital.

I know it sounds crazy to believe hearing songs in your head has some greater purpose, but it seems I innately see the songs as messages to me, messages from the universe or from my soul mate. I believe most of those songs I just mentioned are my soul mate trying to tell me that he loves me and hasn’t forgotten about me even though we’re not together. I like to think that The Jeffersons theme song means that I’m going to be successful one day. I’m not sure what the “California” song means.

It seems to be a common symptom of schizophrenia for people to believe that there are messages especially for them in songs they hear on the radio or things they hear or see through other media. But I prefer not to see my experiences as part of a “mental illness.”

I choose to view my beliefs as part of me living and believing in my own reality. Even if I tell myself a thousand times that I’m wrong, I honestly believe that the songs I hear in my head out of the blue are messages for me. That could change some day, but right now it’s my truth.

Surely if one looked at the general population, there would be lots of people who believed things that others didn’t believe, and most of those people probably have no mental health diagnosis. For example, often religious beliefs about how to live vary, even among people of the same denomination. Consider how different Christians view homosexuality, for example.

Even aside from religion, generally everyday people go about their lives seeing things through their own filter, their own private reality. And I’m happy to have my own, even if that makes me crazy or obsessed–to someone else.

A year ago when someone asked me why I wanted to write a book, I said I wanted everyone to march to the beat of his own drummer, and my new theory about me living my own reality seems a reflection of that desire. At the time I hadn’t developed this theory of people having their own realities. Now it seems the perfect puzzle piece to materializing my dream. Perhaps I am “movin’ on up.”

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