Enlustered


Hoping to Finally Take a Stand

I felt down today because it’s so hard to figure out how to write my story. All I can do is keep trying because I really want to do it. Before today, the past few days, I’d been feeling much better, stronger, and more like a substantial human being. I know it sounds wierd (“substantial human being”), but it’s how I’ve felt.

I’m reading about humankind’s unfolding awakening in A New Earth, by Eckart Tolle. (I love this book.) Because of my reading about what Tolle describes as the pain-body (cumulative emotional pain that we carry around and use to intensify and develop a negative view of our current situations), I started to realize that I’ve lived most of my life living a nightmare, dreading how my life situations, such as when I was jobless for the past year, defined me as someone who was less than, or someone who had no place in the world.

Because of this persistent feeling/fear, the goal of most of my life decisions has been to avoid negative stereoptypes of who I was. I was always seeing myself as completely defined by temporary problems (like being rejected in love, or unsuccessful in work). It made me feel unlovable, worthless, useless. (My basic fear, likely developed as a child having crushes on white boys who always like white girls on movies and such, is that there is no place for me–my dreams, desires–in the world.)

Trying to escape being defined by troublesome situations, I’ve almost never taken a stand in life, or endured tough situations, such as at work, to achieve something great that I really wanted. My response to tough situations has mostly been temper tantrums and thoughts of suicide.

Maybe now can be when I finally wake up and turn things around in my life and stop identifying with temporary, yet painful emotional states. Today was a perfect example of me continuing in my past ways. I just felt stuck in my writing: I don’t know where to start, where to end, what stories to tell, and how to tell them. I felt destined to never to write my story, not temporarily challenged. I had no thoughts of how great it was that I recently identified a major theme in my writing.

One thing I definitely want to write about is the American practice of keeping so many so-called “negative” things private, ensuring that many people feel alone, and especially flawed, in their struggles. One thing I’ll also have to deal with when I write my story is my tendency for seeing my life story as so hopeless all the time, and my running from tough situations.

At least stories that include someone going through tough times like mine to eventually find success are highly encouraging. I hope to do that with my own story.

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