Maybe I’m Just Different
July 31, 2012, 3:47 pm
Filed under: Mental Illness

I’ve done some things that in retrospect seem crazy (like walking outside naked because I believed that the world was being ruled by the Devil). But I might just be someone who believes there’s a lot more to life than what I’ve been led to believe is “real” or “possible.”

— Marla Luster


The Over-edited Performance Called Reality
July 23, 2012, 1:00 pm
Filed under: Mental Illness, Society | Tags: , , ,

“I would believe more in what we call ‘reality’ if it included what people really thought, felt and did, and didn’t exclude so much of what we consider ‘private,’ ‘shameful,’ or ‘inappropriate.'”

— Marla Luster

Where the Heroes Are
July 15, 2012, 5:51 pm
Filed under: Human Potential | Tags:

The lives we are meant to live are probably rarely socially acceptable ones. That is why the key lesson in life is for us to believe in ourselves and believe in a life unlike any we see around us. We are meant to take the paths less traveled by.

–Marla Luster

A Wish List
July 10, 2012, 4:39 pm
Filed under: Mental Illness | Tags:

In no particular order, here (below) is a wish list I wrote last Wednesday when I was feeling down. I almost didn’t include number one because I felt it was a bit shallow. (I gave almost all my clothes away last year when I wasn’t thinking clearly.)

Desire List (written July 4, 2012):

1. A wardrobe of clothes to wear that is comfortable and reflective of my appreciation for simplicity and bold moves.

2. A positive attitude and outlook on life.

3. More than anything, I want to write a book about my experience with mental illness.

4. To be engaged in activities and not so focused on eating for enjoyment.

5. To be good with children, especially teens and rebellious young people.

6. To be confident, open, and expressive of who I am, with others and in life.

7. (Omitted because it’s depressing – relates to having better access to healthcare.)

8. An income to support myself and enable me to live independently.

9. To be unafraid of life and what may come.

10. To be at peace with myself and life. In A New Earth, Eckart Tolle says we are one with life.

Hoping to Finally Take a Stand

I felt down today because it’s so hard to figure out how to write my story. All I can do is keep trying because I really want to do it. Before today, the past few days, I’d been feeling much better, stronger, and more like a substantial human being. I know it sounds wierd (“substantial human being”), but it’s how I’ve felt.

I’m reading about humankind’s unfolding awakening in A New Earth, by Eckart Tolle. (I love this book.) Because of my reading about what Tolle describes as the pain-body (cumulative emotional pain that we carry around and use to intensify and develop a negative view of our current situations), I started to realize that I’ve lived most of my life living a nightmare, dreading how my life situations, such as when I was jobless for the past year, defined me as someone who was less than, or someone who had no place in the world.

Because of this persistent feeling/fear, the goal of most of my life decisions has been to avoid negative stereoptypes of who I was. I was always seeing myself as completely defined by temporary problems (like being rejected in love, or unsuccessful in work). It made me feel unlovable, worthless, useless. (My basic fear, likely developed as a child having crushes on white boys who always like white girls on movies and such, is that there is no place for me–my dreams, desires–in the world.)

Trying to escape being defined by troublesome situations, I’ve almost never taken a stand in life, or endured tough situations, such as at work, to achieve something great that I really wanted. My response to tough situations has mostly been temper tantrums and thoughts of suicide.

Maybe now can be when I finally wake up and turn things around in my life and stop identifying with temporary, yet painful emotional states. Today was a perfect example of me continuing in my past ways. I just felt stuck in my writing: I don’t know where to start, where to end, what stories to tell, and how to tell them. I felt destined to never to write my story, not temporarily challenged. I had no thoughts of how great it was that I recently identified a major theme in my writing.

One thing I definitely want to write about is the American practice of keeping so many so-called “negative” things private, ensuring that many people feel alone, and especially flawed, in their struggles. One thing I’ll also have to deal with when I write my story is my tendency for seeing my life story as so hopeless all the time, and my running from tough situations.

At least stories that include someone going through tough times like mine to eventually find success are highly encouraging. I hope to do that with my own story.