Enlustered


Inner Divide Shows Through
June 27, 2012, 11:51 am
Filed under: Human Potential, Writing | Tags: , , ,

So I’ve finally been thinking about my “story” again the past few days. I hadn’t been working much on my “story” (which I hope to develop into a memoir) since my last psychotic break. But now I’m easing my way back into writing, and at times I fight a foggy feeling in my brain to do so.

Here’s what I’ve been thinking: I’ve often felt uncomfortable and not myself around others because I saw many things about myself as socially unacceptable, such as my attraction to white men (and white boys when I was a kid). More recently I’ve seen my mental illness the same way as I looked for a job.

In my lifetime, my shame has also extended to natural things like… farting, of course. I even tried to hide my period publicly and from my dad when I first got it at age 11. Sometimes I hid used maxi pads wrapped in toilet paper under my mattress so my dad wouldn’t see them in the trash can.

Why is it that we learn to be ashamed of so much? Ultimately, what price do we pay when so much about our natural and true selves are deemed things to hide and be ashamed of?

I think the price is that the life we see around us day to day becomes more of a performance or dress rehearsal than reality because we’re putting aside our life struggles (the things great stories are made of) to be dealt with some other time. Also, when we hide or disconnect from our true and natural selves, we have no choice but to be also separated from each other. And we are separate still, to a certain extent, racially, socio-economically, and probably otherwise.

Just as my menstrual cycle and “gas” play a part in my human survival, my mental illness and white-guy attraction likely play significant parts in my “story” and happy ending. By disregarding and hiding them, as I often have, I shut myself off from finding my true purpose and place in the world.

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