Enlustered


A Post Just to Avoid Not Posting

I try to post once a week, but lately things are going on that I don’t want to talk about on my blog, at least not right now. Generally, I’ll just say that life circumstances are going okay lately, but I’m still holding onto a negative view of my life situation and myself. More than a couple of times lately, I ‘ve wasted my time crying or being sad about life when really things are better than they were a few weeks ago.

At the mental health recovery program I attend I heard that people who think positively tend to plan better. I can look at my own life (crying, wasting time considering suicide) and see one reason why people who think positively plan better. They use their time better.

Positive people probably also see their situation in life more realistically. I tend to compare myself to others around me all the time, acknowledging how much better their lives are than mine. That means I probably rarely take an honest/clear look at where I am in life, and rarely avoid considering my life choices, my tendencies, dreams, fears, etc. and the part they play in my life circumstances.

I’m mostly writing this just to avoid not writing, leaving an abandonned blog. I am actually very fond of this blog. In the future I hope to write more about a volunteer opportunity I’m considering; it’s teaching a class about writing at the mental health recovery center I attend.

I’m still in a weird place, reconsidering all the things I’ve thought for years, things that make me schizophrenic apparently: the idea that a man I met once is my soul mate, the idea that he and I are somehow connected and could be together someday.

It’s hard because I hear songs in my head (for example, “Do You Love Me (Now that I Can Dance)”) all day that I used to see as communication from my soul mate, and I don’t know how to view the songs now, how to make sense of them. Making sense could be acknowledging that the songs are either part of my illness or just something that happens sometimes. A lot of times people hear songs in their heads out of the blue.

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3 Comments so far
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I tend to be comparative of myself to others as well and all it ever does is make me feel inadequate and then I feel worse because I shouldn’t compare myself or my life to anyone else’s. We all come from different situations and I always end up getting mad at myself for being the slightest bit envious of their successes. I then assume that they are shallow, materialistic muppets and that I am much better off with my sometimes pathetic and always financially lacking existence. I have a brain and it can see through most peoples shallow attempts at looking happy when they are in fact miserable and just going through the motions to be what society tells them they should be. Wow, I guess you hit a nerve with this post. Lol. Maybe I should have just reblogged it and added my own post to it. Thanks 🙂

Comment by TreeHugginVamp

Wow, that is a great description of your inner processing. I can relate so much. I go back and forth between believing in the reality I see when I look around and not believing, and it’s nice to see I’m not alone in questioning what we’re led to believe is the truth. It’s sad that reality is not always real (reflective of how people really feel). Maybe that’s partly why I’m schizophrenic (out of touch with reality).

Comment by Enlustered

I don’t think you are as out of touch with reality as ‘they’ say. Personally we all have issues depending on who we see for help, the diagnosis changes.

Comment by TreeHugginVamp




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