Enlustered


Recreating My Life

Lately, I’ve been feeling down about my job situation. Sure, I got a part-time job (I should be happy, right?), but I need a full-time, mainly so I can have access to dental care (I have a tooth in the back of my mouth I’m slightly concerned about), and make sure I can take care of my car.

There’s this part of me who sees financial problems and poor job situations as the end of the world. I know it’s wrong to do so, but I see such problems as defining of my character and human value. If things look “bad” to me financially, I see myself as broken, the cause of the problem.

There’s just a side of me that feels I’m different from everyone else, like I don’t belong here, and can’t do anything right, and every problem I encounter further communicates this idea back to me. It’s painful to walk around thinking this; it’s also counterproductive.

I believe the kids I work with in a child care center in a gym can sense my weakened presense, which is a result of me feeling flawed. When I work with them alone, without a coworker who’s more at ease, their behavior changes drastically for the worse.

I went for a walk yesterday and came to the conclusion that I have to be at more ease and comfortable with where my life is right now to have the kind of presence with others that I’d prefer: a calming, solid presence, one that kids and others can rely on. Right now I have more of a quiet, cautious presence where I doubt the validity of almost every thing I do.

I’m not sure the way to accomplish the more at-ease presence, but I think one thing I still struggle to do is think positively. One thing I can do to encourage positive thinking, which I started a week or two ago but discontinued, is write down things I’m grateful for everyday in my journal.

I can start right here with writing things I’m grateful for: I’m grateful for this blog. Just writing what I wrote so far made me feel better immediately. I’m also grateful for the book I’ve been reading intermittently, A New Earth, by Eckart Tolle.

From reading A New Earth, I’m aware of another thing I can do to be more positive: try to be more present/in the moment, not worrying about the past, or future, or ideas of how negative my situation is. In the book, Eckart Tolle says it’s the ego that wants to resist and deny (not be in) the present moment.

Today’s turning out to be a good day. I feel good right now . I think it’s partly because I’m thinking positively in this moment about the job situation. I get to work with kids, which I love, even though they “flip the script” (change their behavior) when the lady they’re used to working with goes on break. I’m also thinking I’d like to make writing “my thing” somehow, maybe taking some classes so I can teach others about writing.

Another thing I can do to make writing more mine is to write here more often, maybe Wednesdays and Sundays. I’ll try to start this week.

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1 Comment so far
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Love the positivity! Do you have any “power of positive thinking” stories you’d like to share on my blog? (Links and credit given, of course.) Let me know! You can also email me at mollie at mollieplayer.com.

Comment by Mollie Player




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