Enlustered


Free to Mess Up
May 17, 2012, 7:49 pm
Filed under: Mental Illness, Society | Tags: , ,

As I go out into the world looking for a job, I feel I have to hide all my anti-establishment views, maybe like a dog might hide its tail between its legs. Hiding takes a bit of who I am out of my interaction with people, people I might’ve unknowingly criticized in my writing a few months ago. Hiding and being ashamed of myself and my writing also leaves me feeling uncomfortable and insecure.

All I can hope for is to find a balance between who I used to be, hiding out in my mom’s house for almost a year working on my book, and this new me who’s having to face the world again. I’m excited about what the balance will look like once its further achieved.

How do I feel about who I am now? Excited still. I was starting to feel like chopped liver the past month. I thought I was too wierd to have a place in this world after my dramatic retreat when I quit my job in July 2011. Now that I’ve had an interview that went well today and have two others lined up within the next week, I feel once again that there’s room for me to be weird and dramatic and to be a part of society, too. (I felt this way after my second psychotic break as well.)

It seems I’ll have to adjust to find my place in the workplace again. I’m excited about that, too, to get to work with children.

About working with children, I feel a little like some people would object because I have a mental illness. But I promise I’m fine as long as I take my meds. I mean, the worst I’ve done so far while on my meds was quit my job without notice. I know now I was acting unreasonably when I quit. And I feel my decision to quit without notice was influenced by my illness, even though I was taking my meds. But the choice was mine and I take full responsiblity for it.

More than my illness, my choice to quit was influenced by how I felt. I was unhappy with my job, but I was doing nothing to change my situation. The end result (when I quit) was that I felt horrible, like my job unhappiness would last forever. I still know this is no excuse for how I quit.

I didn’t realize how wrong I was to quit without notice until I recently decided to start looking for another job. One of the people I used to work with said she couldn’t give me a reference. I felt awful. The afternoon of the day I quit, I thought I was wrong, but I knew for sure after the reference incident.

But I think people should be allowed some mistakes in life. I’m learning that, in this wonderful life, I am allowed to mess up a bit and still be okay. That’s a great lesson to learn. I wish it for everyone.

Love–

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