A Reason Why

I have a bad feeling about everything lately. I had a bad feeling about writing this. Last night I even had a bad feeling about going to bed, my favorite part of the day since I was in the hospital from a recent psychotic break. I don’t know how to rely on myself anymore, since it’s starting to seem that I’m unreliable.

I look back on my life and see that I’ve turned down every opportunity to make my life better (financially): I let my expensive personal training certification lapse and never pursued a job at a gym as a personal trainer; I left graduate school when I could’ve prepared to do awesome work as a writing coach at a university; I passed on opportunities to get my certification to teach; I passed on an opportunity to go to a graduate counseling program at William & Mary.

I tried to follow my heart when I rejected those paths. But now I just feel destined to fail. Of course, there could be another explanation. A couple of nights ago I heard a voice say, “mis-fitted” and that’s exactly how I feel in this world. Times like these it’s refreshing to remember that I believe most employment opportunities and even most relationships are misled in our society.

The end goal for so many things is money, comfort or keeping up good appearances, rather than helping make the world a better place. I abandoned my previous opportunities perhaps because I lost a sense of purpose in pursuing them. Purpose is one thing I feel my society has abandoned.

So where is my place here? I’m still not sure, but one thing I can do is work on my book. It’s hard though. When I work on it I’m thinking it won’t make me money. There are so many things in it that are tough for me to live through again, like my first psychotic break. Does anyone want to hear about that? I think yes, but only if I give them a good reason. That’s what I have to find, but I feel  out of touch with purpose (and creativity) since I started on the Invega Sustenna*** shot to treat schizoprhenia, which I’m diagnosed with.

Luckily it’s supposed to be re-injected this week and I plan to avoid it. I’m just not sure if my doctor will be cooperative and write me a new prescription for another medication.

***NOTE: I no longer think my break from feeling creative is from the Invega Sustenna shot, but instead from me sobering from a break from reality. I had to change the way I was looking at and telling my story because I saw that I did need to work for a living, something I put off for almost a year.


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I feel like Humpty Dumpty trying to put myself back together again. It’s tough.

Comment by enlustered

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