Enlustered


Some Super Feedback

I had someone tell me yesterday that “I Don’t Believe You, Society” made her cry because it was so true to her experience. She said that when she smiles, it’s a fake smile. And that when she greived the loss of a family member recently that she was mourning something deeper.

She also said she thought there wasn’t anything wrong with me (like being crazy), but something wrong with the world we live in. It was such an unexpected experience, and exactly the response I always hoped for. It made me feel more sane, and like what I’m doing had the desired effect on at least one person.

One reason I wanted to start writing more, and specifically why I  wrote “I Don’t Believe You…” is that I wanted to tell people that there wasn’t anything wrong with them, but something wrong with our society. I want people to feel that they are not alone in this tough experience called trying to make it based on rules that have nothing to do with being yourself, and everything to do with keeping up perfect appearances.

Too many times I heard about suicides and felt I could’ve done something to help prevent them. My writing is one of those things.

I have been suicidal lately just because I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t know where I want to go. I’m also on medicine that seems to break my standard routine of writing notes to discover things about this life and my feelings. I feel very out of it and somewhat out of touch with my emotions.

I’ve written a bit about the Invega Sustenna* shot before, which I got in the hospital and am scheduled to have again on Monday. I already told the nurse I may not come. I know for sure now that I’m not going to get it again. (My doctor’s been out of the office since Wednesday when I met with her, and she really wanted me to keep taking the shot because I don’t hear voices with it like I do on my old medication.)

I just have to be careful until I can get a prescription for something else, I hope my old medicine, Seroquel. At least I know with that, I feel like my regular self, although it makes me constipated.

***NOTE: I no longer blame the Invega Sustenna shot for stunting my creative streak.

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