Enlustered


Distraction Nation
April 17, 2012, 7:35 am
Filed under: Education, Race, Society | Tags: , , , , , , ,

“I can feel it” — as sung in the song, “Deep Cover,” by Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre

“I’m goin’ down cause you ain’t around, baby” — Mary J. Blige in the song, “I’m Goin’ Down”

I’ve been really sad at times lately. It makes sense. I tend to freak out about things long before they happen. When I first quit my job last July, for example, I had a huge temper tantrum a month later thinking about all the bills I wouldn’t be able to pay, and the possibility of not having a car. I considered killing myself.

Here I am nine months after quitting, and there has been no bill that went unpaid (except my student loans which are in deferment), and I still have the car. Since I got out of the hospital, though, I’m haunted again by the thought of running out of money (even though I’m using food stamps and living with my sister).

The fear is causing me to consider getting a job again, but I still believe (whether mistakenly or not) that is unwise.

What, getting a job unwise? Indeed. While I was in the hospital, people kept saying things like, “You really understand why you make your decisions,” or, “You’re very intelligent.” It’s true only because I quit working and had time to explore my thoughts, actions, dreams, and desires in trying to write my memoir.

Every day new feelings and experiences add to the list of things to be understood. Spending time on distractions only adds unnecessarily to the list. Distractions can include stressing over jobs I don’t want, thoughts of an attractive mate who is not my soul mate, and fear of running out of money.

I guess getting a job I hate seems wise because I supposedly need a job to survive. This is why I think life in America and on this earth totally sucks. I thought about killing myself on the way to my last job many times.

I was suicidal, even though my last job was one of my best. I was treated half-way decent by management, and I made better pay ($11 an hour) for the work I did. But to me, the work and my place of employment were like Band-Aids on self-inflicted wounds no one was willing to stop.

I worked at an alternative school FULL of young black boys and teens in a world where African Americans are treated like things to discard, or distractions to success for mankind. We are ugly, dumb, violent menaces to society, except for a few who are somehow good apples. How about the REAL reason black kids have trouble in failing schools is because they are intuitive and know what our education system really teaches: distractions as a way of life. What if black students really are the canary in the coal mine, a sign that our schools of distraction are harmful for all children.

Maybe black kids sense that spending day after day in the classroom doing stuff that means nothing to them really means that individuals are a waste of space, not that they should try to excel at doing pointless things to find success. I’ve said it before and I’ll say again: Avoiding your dreams; talents; abilities, even as a five year old in kindergarten, is not success. It’s never success, no matter how much money you make, or how soon you get married (measures of success in the biased book about race and i.q., The Bell Curve).

The one thing that makes me feel better about living in a world where distractions are considered life is that I don’t have to die. (Plus, I can always live in a shelter, I think.) I can be peniless and homeless and not work a job and still live. Working a job I don’t want, supporting a racist, absentee society, and pretending I don’t see it, is death.

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