Enlustered


‘The World Already Ended’
April 14, 2012, 1:04 pm
Filed under: Mental Illness, Society | Tags: , , ,

In the few days before I went into the hospital I was hearing things like, “There will be darkness,” and “They will kill themselves.” Then while in the psychiatric unit of Chippenham Hospital, the woman, P– I wrote about in, “I Go Far,” said, “I don’t know what ya’ll talking aobut, the world already ended. All that’s left to do is plead for your soul.”

I think she was right. I think the world ends when people decide to stop living and just appear, or pretend to be a certain way. We learn to do this at an early age, like when black girls, like me, learn to straighten their nappy hair to be beautiful. I also learned it was shameful and unrealistic (I was surrounded by same-race couples) to like white boys as a kid and as a teenager. And that I had to hide that I masturbated. I even tried to hide my period when I got it at 11.

We end up negating the details our existence believing it’s not okay to be here as our white-boy liking, period-having selves. How can someone really live when they have to hide everything, including what they want to do with their lives or say to the person they love or hate. I think I was right in Going Nowhere. And maybe I went a bit (okay more than a bit) far in Bad Meaning Good, but I did so because I felt like things were SO wrong, and no one was saying so. Living in a world where no one sees what you see all up in your face everyday is insanity. No diagnosis needed. The solution is people being real (and me being around people).

I see racism, I see inequality, I see exploitation of the human condition (all day, everyday) and no one else seems to see it, or at least it doesn’t hit them over the head the way it does me. Sometimes I really feel like I can’t take it.

What we have is darkness, when we don’t know how life is for others (our brothers and sisters). What we have is suicide when people deny their desires and true feelings. They already killed themselves. It’s mostly walking dead people here on earth.

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