Enlustered


Bad Meaning Good
March 21, 2012, 8:46 pm
Filed under: Mental Illness, Society, Theology | Tags: , ,

Note: I wrote this post the day of my psychotic break, when I walked outside naked.

“Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good.” — Run DMC, “Peter Piper”

I continue to sense this world is one of despair, and I have high anxiety that this world is ending. I believed I had to save the world two other times (in 2008 and again in 2009). They were false alarms. Because of my anxiety, and how I feel looking at the skyline (and hearing voices and songs, and not being able to sleep at night) I believe we are approaching a battle for control of the world.

“This is NOT a drill,” I saw written in marker on the back of a bathroom stall in the library today–probably by a rebel.

I am for saving the world–as will be people rejected by society, such as rebellious children, mean people, homosexuals, and mentally ill people, such as myself. Satan, who I believe is Barack Obama, will be trying to end the world. On his team will be people we normally assume are good, like religious people, good children, wealthy people, “normal” white Americans, and the elderly.

The reason for the flip: Our society is based on lies. It pretends to follow God, but in reality it follows money and the crowd. It follows Satan. Organized religions pretend to worship God, but really they worship the Bible, churches, rules, and marriages, all things people might follow instead of following their hearts, thereby abandoning themselves. The same as Eve abandoned God. The same as Satan abandoned God. God is in our hearts, not in a Bible or a church, or a marriage that doesn’t represent true love. Most churches are driven by money and people wanting to appear good, not truly be good.

I also believe China will fight against saving the world. Why? In my first hallucinated fight to save the world in 2008, I believed a Chinese student from my graduate classes at VCU was chasing me. Her first name was Ying and I thought she was the most talented writer in my classes, more talented than me. She was the only person who invited me to eat. She was the only person to ask me about a foot injury I suffered after the episode. Also, I always thought of China as a place that valued artists, like me, because I heard it valued honesty. I read in a personality theory book that China celebrates the artist the way the U.S. celebrates professionals who use their career as a mask.

Then I read in a children’s book a while ago that China used artists and other creative people to do slave labor on the Great Wall. I felt confused. Then one day I had a vision of me hugging Will and his face changed to a Chinese face, and I heard a voice say, “China.” It was strange, I always thought well of China and liked people from there. But the China I learned about in personality books and in Chinese people, like Ying, was a lie. A children’s book, a vision, and a psychotic episode helped me see the truth that was otherwise hidden by the Devil.

I also believe Muslim nations will support saving the world because in Satan’s false reality they appear to destroy the world and America. Muslims are generally rejected and discriminated against by Americans.

Our world is full of lies because it is run by an untrue entity: Satan. By negating the truth, Satan hopes to negate life on earth and end it. He also hopes to confuse people into fighting with him, as if he’s fighting for good. America proposes to be the freest country in the world, but it is likely the least free because every achievement is met by following the crowd rather than human instinct. Blacks looked to whites to achieve freedom for blacks, even though whites restricted their own freedom during slavery and segregation by excluding black people. The crowd, like money, is unnatural and untrue. The crowd doesn’t represent people’s true feelings, just superficial ideas of how people should be.

America’s achievements are not really achievements. They are like the “apple” Satan offered Eve. They are do-nothing achievements, such as desegregation. Desegregation laws forced people to integrate. People’s racist hearts stayed the same. The only way to change the world is changing people. Schools in America are still racially separate, even though they are considered racially “integrated.”

Likewise, the personalities countries say they value would really be the personalities they despise. That would mean the man I believe is my soul mate (William Harvey Bearden, III) a doctor, a figure highly celebrated in America is really despised by America. Will would seemingly fight to protect America, but he will fight against America (and Satan). America lies in saying it supports his kind. In supporting him, the country actually destroys him, celebrating him as an image, rather than a real human being.

By choosing to achieve something, such as changing people’s hearts through my writing, rather than take an “apple” or unreal achievement, I am leaving despair and choosing Eden. I am Eve. I am leading Will back into Eden from Satan’s land of despair. Will and I then will both fight to save the world and regain Eden. Since I met Will in January 2008 we have had no contact with each other; he seemingly abandoned me in Satan’s false reality.

P.S. – I believe God loves rap music, and rebellious black people, things America rejects because they are meant to save it from destruction, just as Muslims.

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2 Comments so far
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Marla… are you okay? Mom is worried about you. I tried to text you. I love you.

Comment by Karla

[…] because I feel ashamed, which is how I sometimes feel about my posts here (posts such as “Bad Meaning Good” or […]

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