Going Nowhere

I feel haunted lately by fear and anxiety that the world is ending. Other times I’ve felt like this I did extreme things to try and save the world from impending doom. Of course, my anxiety and “distorted” thinking are symptoms of schizophrenia, which I’ve suffered from since 2008. I doubt however that “mental illness” is simply the result of a “chemical imbalance” or heredity. I have no family history of mental illness.

And despite my past fears, the world is still going on. But is life really continuing for human beings?

In the natural world, animals follow their instinct to survive, and do well without human interference. But in the human world, people follow… the crowd. But the crowd doesn’t represent people’s true feelings. It is an illusion.

The result is that we face the same battle today that we fought in the civil war –the fight for freedom and equality. I think the reason race still defines a person’s character today is that people have repeatedly looked to society to see how to live their lives. Historically and today people look behind them at the past, not ahead to make things better. In the Japaneese folktale Sea Frog, City Frog, the frogs journey to the other’s habitats, but when they meet at a centerpoint on a hill and lean against each other to look “ahead,” they only see where they’ve been. Their eyes are pointed in opposite directions.

Blacks mistakenly looked to whites in fighting for equal rights. But whites never had freedom. They let a baseless reality they created out of fear dictate their dreams and desires. Their fear was that they were not good enough (as was Eve’s and Satan’s). They didn’t know love, freedom, or equality, so why were blacks looking to them for guidance? Whites had NOTHING real.

And that is why we are still fighting for something we’ve never achieved – reality. Eden is here. We avoid* it when we avoid our dreams, when we avoid accepting our whole selves because we’ve been taught that so many things are wrong with us: the grade of black women’s hair, the hair under women’s arms, that we fart, that we have sexual fantasies. The list goes on and on.

How can anyone have a chance of being brave enough to follow his dreams or believe someone can love him, if he learns from childhood that he has to hide the most basic things that make up his existence? And his hiding is fruitless. The hair under womens’ arms grows back. Sexual fantasies become more extreme as sexual desires go unfulfilled, and unmentioned.

By continuing to follow the establishment, all we’re doing is hurting people in the same way as humans have in the past: by restricting people’s right to be. Generation after generation we continue to avoid* the most basic building block of reality: our natural selves. Thereby we avoid salvation.

I believe our dreams and natural human states are tailored to address specific problems facing humanity. This seems to be a concept behind the theory of evolution. I believe interracial attraction is probably common among people to overcome the human divisions people created centuries ago and continue to support today. I believe these divisions are unnatural and do not support human survival.

I know I’m not the only person who can sense that something’s wrong. I feel like I’d be less anxious if other people could acknowledge that something is wrong. If you have feelings, you’ve probably been hurt a lot in this life, and chances are your pain was totally preventable. For example, I thought I was dumb because I saw racial segregation in school, with blacks being in lower level reading groups and classes, and whites in higher level classes and groups. No one did, or said anything–ever. I have seen the same patterns in schools as recently as a couple of years ago as a substitute teacher, and teacher assistant.

What can you do? Take a chance and follow your dreams, and watch it be easier than you ever imagined. I’m doing what I dream, publishing my “anti-book,” one intallment at a time (at enlustered.wordpress.com). Trust that your “imperfect” self is PERFECT for what you’re meant to do here. Inside us is the ONLY truth of how this life is meant to be. No one has found it, yet.

I believe nature and God (if you believe) are on our side. I do not believe anything in this non-reality is strong enough to stop us.

I love you, and I want you to be happy.

*Avoid=a void=”the Nothing” (a great despair in The Neverending Story)=The end of the world

“Nothing good can come from nothing,” I heard a voice say a couple of months ago.

“Do nothing and become president,” an evil force says to someone in an episode of “Ghost Whisperer”

“You were called to choose to live or die,” I heard a voice say after I quit my job in July 2011.


4 Comments so far
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Reblogged this on treehugginvamp.

Comment by TreeHugginVamp

Very well thought out and written. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

Comment by TreeHugginVamp

Wow. You’re so welcome.

Comment by enlustered

[…] a world that seems to offer less and less space, and brotherly love: It’s not getting worse; just staying the same. All the more reason to […]

Pingback by A Zen Approach to “Cash Rules Everything Around Me” | Enlustered

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