Enlustered


I don’t believe you, Society
March 15, 2012, 5:36 pm
Filed under: Education, Marriage, Mental Illness, Race, Society | Tags:

I realize you didn’t mean to, but all my life, you’ve told me I was crazy. Through following the crowd and smiling, you told me someone could be happy with the way things were. But “the way things were” suggested people’s race was more important than their character. Race still directs who people marry, and who is paired with who in movies, commercials–everywhere.

Grade school, high school, and work often has nothing to do with what people are interested in. That tells me that what individuals have to offer doesn’t matter. And yet, everyone acts like everything is okay.

So often I felt I had no place here because I couldn’t find the right job, or the right person as the years passed. Everyone else made it look easy. The truth was, they were settling for less and pretending they were happy.

Someone told me today, “I married the wrong person.” I already thought this, but the person had kept saying they married their soul mate and told me other lies. After I knew the truth, I felt closer to the person.

I believe telling stuff like this could save lives. Christine Chubback was still a virgin at 29 when she committed suicide. I think she died from living in a loveless society where everyone hides their humanity. The truth is it’s not easy to find love, so people just pretend they found it, and lie by getting married.

I believe no marriage here is real. No existing job satisfies people’s dreams. Why? Because people avoid real life–in discussion and in their actions. Love is truly seeing someone, yet everyone hides who they are. Schools and work treat people’s dreams like they don’t matter. Avoiding your dreams is not success. This seems like a no brainer to me, maybe everyone else like me killed themselves because they believed the lies, like I did so many times?

Everyone pretends everything’s great, smiling all the time, posting wedding photos when they’d told me they were unhappy (not even the same person as above). So often, I kept questioning whether what I knew was true, so I went crazy. Now I know the truth: Everyone’s lying. Hiding the truth is lying.

Now that I’ve said this, why is it so unbelievable that I met my soul mate and he was married to someone else, someone of his same race? Marriage is what people do here, not because they want to, but because it’s on society’s to do list. That’s living a fake life and agreeing not to talk about it. Just like people agreed to the fake reality of segregation and slavery–and ostracized people who questioned it.

I believe the truth is that each of us is Somebody, and has an undeniable bond with a soul mate. And I believe people have to address the world’s problems (through following their dreams), rather than avoid them, to be with that person.

I wrote this because I was feeling like the world was going to end. Other times I felt like this I had psychotic episodes and did crazy stuff I didn’t want to do, and got into a lot of trouble. So I decided to say what I wanted to say instead of going away, or asking for an increase in my medicine, as I was considering.

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