Enlustered


My House is Your House
March 11, 2012, 11:53 am
Filed under: Writing | Tags: , , , ,

What’s on my mind lately? I want to write my book. I’ve tried starting lots of times, and wrote some things I felt good about yesterday. But when I was writing I felt like I was writing for no reason, that all was strangely right with the world. I think I got out of touch with my purpose.

So, I went back to trying to find my theme/pattern, but I guess I should go back and forth between writing and redefining my theme. I try to be present with what I write, making sure nothing is in vain. I asked myself yesterday, Does it matter that I was at school when I decided my identity would be “quiet girl.” I plan to go back to this today, but like yesterday, I kind of feel I have to write on this blog daily. I feel like people need to hear me, and I need people to hear me, to fight with me. I want us to fight for all people to be free to be however they are, no matter how socially unacceptable. Like the trees, spiders and all living things, we need each other to survive. No thing or person is in vain. (The voices in my head sing to me sometimes in chipmunk voices, “You are not, are not, in vain.”)

What else has been on my mind? Yoga. I did a half hour yesterday (no headstands yet, and especially not where I live now). I don’t do yoga as regularly as I used to when I went to a gym. But I’ve lost about eight pounds (being into fixing up my blog, blogging, and being more into writing), so it’s easier to do a chatarunga. I also noticed that my vart (vaginal fart) seems more persistent. I’m reluctant to do Kegel exercises, but I’m going to try to start, so as not to neglect myself and to stop the vart. It’ll be an accomplishment if it goes away. (I am telling you about my vart because I don’t want to be ashamed of it. I’m a writer: what is writing without words and experiences? It’s more difficult.)

Also on my mind: My unstable living situation. Sometimes I want to leave, but I’ll be sleeping in my car at night, and the night sounds seem scary sometimes, like last night when I couldn’t sleep. I’m also wondering what to do about the deferment on my student loans, which I feel I’m lying about because the deferment, or six-month break on paying them, requires I seek employment through an employment agency (for a “real” job), which I’m not doing. I could try to get a forbearance, which, unlike deferment, isn’t focused on postponing payments because of unemployment. But as I tried to fill out the application Friday, it felt wrong, similar to how applying for the deferment felt.

The student loan situation, and my current living situation make me feel like there’s no home for me here. I think it’s because no one’s ever tried to make the world a welcoming place for human beings. Sure Thomas Jefferson, Abe Linclon, and Martin Luther King Jr., made things freer. But I think the main thing they left undone was truly being themselves here, living how they really wanted, despite societal pressures to conform.

MLK Jr. died fighting for blacks’ civil rights, but I have doubts that he found true love being loyal to the institution of marriage, rather than truly being present and loyal to his heart’s desires. Ralph Abernathy wrote in his autobiography that King had a “weakness for women,” and had extramarital affairs. Love is color blind. But King’s marriage, like most, doesn’t reflect that truth. He was passionate about character being valued more than race, but his marriage doesn’t reflect that passion.

I’ve also had that blogger I wrote about on my mind, almost like she’s haunting me. Being haunted by a person, living or dead, may sound crazy. BUT, I believe human beings are more connected than we’re led to believe. I’ve had it UP TO THE MOON with easy answers. Plus, what I felt makes practical sense. I just felt like the person was good, and that she loved me. And ussually we’re expected to be holier than thou, forgive and see the good in people. But really the truth is: We all love each other when we can truly see each other. We all need each other. And anyone who says otherwise is likely stuck in a state of fear, which is common.

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