Bad Meaning Good
March 21, 2012, 8:46 pm
Filed under: Mental Illness, Society, Theology | Tags: , ,

Note: I wrote this post the day of my psychotic break, when I walked outside naked.

“Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good.” — Run DMC, “Peter Piper”

I continue to sense this world is one of despair, and I have high anxiety that this world is ending. I believed I had to save the world two other times (in 2008 and again in 2009). They were false alarms. Because of my anxiety, and how I feel looking at the skyline (and hearing voices and songs, and not being able to sleep at night) I believe we are approaching a battle for control of the world.

“This is NOT a drill,” I saw written in marker on the back of a bathroom stall in the library today–probably by a rebel.

I am for saving the world–as will be people rejected by society, such as rebellious children, mean people, homosexuals, and mentally ill people, such as myself. Satan, who I believe is Barack Obama, will be trying to end the world. On his team will be people we normally assume are good, like religious people, good children, wealthy people, “normal” white Americans, and the elderly.

The reason for the flip: Our society is based on lies. It pretends to follow God, but in reality it follows money and the crowd. It follows Satan. Organized religions pretend to worship God, but really they worship the Bible, churches, rules, and marriages, all things people might follow instead of following their hearts, thereby abandoning themselves. The same as Eve abandoned God. The same as Satan abandoned God. God is in our hearts, not in a Bible or a church, or a marriage that doesn’t represent true love. Most churches are driven by money and people wanting to appear good, not truly be good.

I also believe China will fight against saving the world. Why? In my first hallucinated fight to save the world in 2008, I believed a Chinese student from my graduate classes at VCU was chasing me. Her first name was Ying and I thought she was the most talented writer in my classes, more talented than me. She was the only person who invited me to eat. She was the only person to ask me about a foot injury I suffered after the episode. Also, I always thought of China as a place that valued artists, like me, because I heard it valued honesty. I read in a personality theory book that China celebrates the artist the way the U.S. celebrates professionals who use their career as a mask.

Then I read in a children’s book a while ago that China used artists and other creative people to do slave labor on the Great Wall. I felt confused. Then one day I had a vision of me hugging Will and his face changed to a Chinese face, and I heard a voice say, “China.” It was strange, I always thought well of China and liked people from there. But the China I learned about in personality books and in Chinese people, like Ying, was a lie. A children’s book, a vision, and a psychotic episode helped me see the truth that was otherwise hidden by the Devil.

I also believe Muslim nations will support saving the world because in Satan’s false reality they appear to destroy the world and America. Muslims are generally rejected and discriminated against by Americans.

Our world is full of lies because it is run by an untrue entity: Satan. By negating the truth, Satan hopes to negate life on earth and end it. He also hopes to confuse people into fighting with him, as if he’s fighting for good. America proposes to be the freest country in the world, but it is likely the least free because every achievement is met by following the crowd rather than human instinct. Blacks looked to whites to achieve freedom for blacks, even though whites restricted their own freedom during slavery and segregation by excluding black people. The crowd, like money, is unnatural and untrue. The crowd doesn’t represent people’s true feelings, just superficial ideas of how people should be.

America’s achievements are not really achievements. They are like the “apple” Satan offered Eve. They are do-nothing achievements, such as desegregation. Desegregation laws forced people to integrate. People’s racist hearts stayed the same. The only way to change the world is changing people. Schools in America are still racially separate, even though they are considered racially “integrated.”

Likewise, the personalities countries say they value would really be the personalities they despise. That would mean the man I believe is my soul mate (William Harvey Bearden, III) a doctor, a figure highly celebrated in America is really despised by America. Will would seemingly fight to protect America, but he will fight against America (and Satan). America lies in saying it supports his kind. In supporting him, the country actually destroys him, celebrating him as an image, rather than a real human being.

By choosing to achieve something, such as changing people’s hearts through my writing, rather than take an “apple” or unreal achievement, I am leaving despair and choosing Eden. I am Eve. I am leading Will back into Eden from Satan’s land of despair. Will and I then will both fight to save the world and regain Eden. Since I met Will in January 2008 we have had no contact with each other; he seemingly abandoned me in Satan’s false reality.

P.S. – I believe God loves rap music, and rebellious black people, things America rejects because they are meant to save it from destruction, just as Muslims.


Going Nowhere

I feel haunted lately by fear and anxiety that the world is ending. Other times I’ve felt like this I did extreme things to try and save the world from impending doom. Of course, my anxiety and “distorted” thinking are symptoms of schizophrenia, which I’ve suffered from since 2008. I doubt however that “mental illness” is simply the result of a “chemical imbalance” or heredity. I have no family history of mental illness.

And despite my past fears, the world is still going on. But is life really continuing for human beings?

In the natural world, animals follow their instinct to survive, and do well without human interference. But in the human world, people follow… the crowd. But the crowd doesn’t represent people’s true feelings. It is an illusion.

The result is that we face the same battle today that we fought in the civil war –the fight for freedom and equality. I think the reason race still defines a person’s character today is that people have repeatedly looked to society to see how to live their lives. Historically and today people look behind them at the past, not ahead to make things better. In the Japaneese folktale Sea Frog, City Frog, the frogs journey to the other’s habitats, but when they meet at a centerpoint on a hill and lean against each other to look “ahead,” they only see where they’ve been. Their eyes are pointed in opposite directions.

Blacks mistakenly looked to whites in fighting for equal rights. But whites never had freedom. They let a baseless reality they created out of fear dictate their dreams and desires. Their fear was that they were not good enough (as was Eve’s and Satan’s). They didn’t know love, freedom, or equality, so why were blacks looking to them for guidance? Whites had NOTHING real.

And that is why we are still fighting for something we’ve never achieved – reality. Eden is here. We avoid* it when we avoid our dreams, when we avoid accepting our whole selves because we’ve been taught that so many things are wrong with us: the grade of black women’s hair, the hair under women’s arms, that we fart, that we have sexual fantasies. The list goes on and on.

How can anyone have a chance of being brave enough to follow his dreams or believe someone can love him, if he learns from childhood that he has to hide the most basic things that make up his existence? And his hiding is fruitless. The hair under womens’ arms grows back. Sexual fantasies become more extreme as sexual desires go unfulfilled, and unmentioned.

By continuing to follow the establishment, all we’re doing is hurting people in the same way as humans have in the past: by restricting people’s right to be. Generation after generation we continue to avoid* the most basic building block of reality: our natural selves. Thereby we avoid salvation.

I believe our dreams and natural human states are tailored to address specific problems facing humanity. This seems to be a concept behind the theory of evolution. I believe interracial attraction is probably common among people to overcome the human divisions people created centuries ago and continue to support today. I believe these divisions are unnatural and do not support human survival.

I know I’m not the only person who can sense that something’s wrong. I feel like I’d be less anxious if other people could acknowledge that something is wrong. If you have feelings, you’ve probably been hurt a lot in this life, and chances are your pain was totally preventable. For example, I thought I was dumb because I saw racial segregation in school, with blacks being in lower level reading groups and classes, and whites in higher level classes and groups. No one did, or said anything–ever. I have seen the same patterns in schools as recently as a couple of years ago as a substitute teacher, and teacher assistant.

What can you do? Take a chance and follow your dreams, and watch it be easier than you ever imagined. I’m doing what I dream, publishing my “anti-book,” one intallment at a time (at enlustered.wordpress.com). Trust that your “imperfect” self is PERFECT for what you’re meant to do here. Inside us is the ONLY truth of how this life is meant to be. No one has found it, yet.

I believe nature and God (if you believe) are on our side. I do not believe anything in this non-reality is strong enough to stop us.

I love you, and I want you to be happy.

*Avoid=a void=”the Nothing” (a great despair in The Neverending Story)=The end of the world

“Nothing good can come from nothing,” I heard a voice say a couple of months ago.

“Do nothing and become president,” an evil force says to someone in an episode of “Ghost Whisperer”

“You were called to choose to live or die,” I heard a voice say after I quit my job in July 2011.

He gave her a spider (My Book, 1st installment)
March 17, 2012, 12:01 am
Filed under: Book

I feel pressed to write (or post something). The only thing I can write that would make me feel like I actually did something is my “book.” (Plus, I’m tired.) So, here’s a part of my “book” I wrote a couple of days ago, and plan to post in its entirety here. I may edit it later, or not. I’m trying to allow myself more.

The Things He Gave Her

1. He gave her a spider.

“Hush, little baby, don’t say a word, Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird./ And if that mockingbird don’t sing…” — from “Hush, Little Baby”

It never occurred to her it would matter. She was just a little brown-skinned girl looking at a spider in its web. It was a big spider. The girl felt like the spider shouldn’t be there. She felt like she shouldn’t get to see it. It was a bright, sunny, summer morning.  The spider was in the shade on the side of the girl’s house in the stems of a rosebush. It was doing something, maybe fixing up its web in a corner, or maybe sitting in the center.

The little girl watched the spider a long time. She knew the spider did gross things and no one could stop it. She would have stayed to watch longer but she knew she could get nothing more. She left, maybe to play with her sister, or maybe she had to go inside. Back to doing whatever there was to do.  Life.

The spider was in a rosebush on Rose Street, and the girl’ middle name was Rose. Maybe the story wanted to be remembered.


I don’t believe you, Society
March 15, 2012, 5:36 pm
Filed under: Education, Marriage, Mental Illness, Race, Society | Tags:

I realize you didn’t mean to, but all my life, you’ve told me I was crazy. Through following the crowd and smiling, you told me someone could be happy with the way things were. But “the way things were” suggested people’s race was more important than their character. Race still directs who people marry, and who is paired with who in movies, commercials–everywhere.

Grade school, high school, and work often has nothing to do with what people are interested in. That tells me that what individuals have to offer doesn’t matter. And yet, everyone acts like everything is okay.

So often I felt I had no place here because I couldn’t find the right job, or the right person as the years passed. Everyone else made it look easy. The truth was, they were settling for less and pretending they were happy.

Someone told me today, “I married the wrong person.” I already thought this, but the person had kept saying they married their soul mate and told me other lies. After I knew the truth, I felt closer to the person.

I believe telling stuff like this could save lives. Christine Chubback was still a virgin at 29 when she committed suicide. I think she died from living in a loveless society where everyone hides their humanity. The truth is it’s not easy to find love, so people just pretend they found it, and lie by getting married.

I believe no marriage here is real. No existing job satisfies people’s dreams. Why? Because people avoid real life–in discussion and in their actions. Love is truly seeing someone, yet everyone hides who they are. Schools and work treat people’s dreams like they don’t matter. Avoiding your dreams is not success. This seems like a no brainer to me, maybe everyone else like me killed themselves because they believed the lies, like I did so many times?

Everyone pretends everything’s great, smiling all the time, posting wedding photos when they’d told me they were unhappy (not even the same person as above). So often, I kept questioning whether what I knew was true, so I went crazy. Now I know the truth: Everyone’s lying. Hiding the truth is lying.

Now that I’ve said this, why is it so unbelievable that I met my soul mate and he was married to someone else, someone of his same race? Marriage is what people do here, not because they want to, but because it’s on society’s to do list. That’s living a fake life and agreeing not to talk about it. Just like people agreed to the fake reality of segregation and slavery–and ostracized people who questioned it.

I believe the truth is that each of us is Somebody, and has an undeniable bond with a soul mate. And I believe people have to address the world’s problems (through following their dreams), rather than avoid them, to be with that person.

I wrote this because I was feeling like the world was going to end. Other times I felt like this I had psychotic episodes and did crazy stuff I didn’t want to do, and got into a lot of trouble. So I decided to say what I wanted to say instead of going away, or asking for an increase in my medicine, as I was considering.

How Humans Win

I’m not a theologist, I don’t even know much about religion, but…

I often wonder if God entails both God and “the Devil,” since I guess the Bible says God is the alpha and the omega. I also wonder this because I find a lot of truth and beauty in the concept of yin yang, which says opposites (like good and bad, pleasure and pain) define and support each other.

If God is responsible for, or is both God and “the Devil,” then both could be good. Consider how Satan, as the angel Lucifer, first abandons God. His fear is that he is less than God. I like to take that symbolically to mean that God represents confidence and the Devil represents the fear of not being good enough. How can the fear of not being good enough help people? Or, theologically, how can Eve’s eating the apple (believing she needed the apple to be good enough) have helped mankind?

I believe the fear of not being good enough can help people see the value of what they have. Without ever questioning themelves, people might never learn they have enough. I believe both entities (God and “the Devil”) are necessary and support each other (like the yin and the yang). I also believe both are probably present in nature and within us. I doubt they are separate (because if God exists, God created everything). But I think both entities are meant to be one within us. God wins when we learn to endure our self questioning, and believe we are good enough, whatever our condition may be. (So God wins when we refuse to take the apple, as Eve did. The apple could be anything that makes us abandon ourselves to be good enough, like hiding what we really think to gain social acceptance.)

I take a lot of comfort in saying, it’s okay if people see me as crazy. It’s okay if I’m ugly because my hair is uncombed, and I have zits on my face. I even take comfort in acknowledging embarrassing things about myself, such as me smelling my farts and undies (as I often do). I like to think I desire to do it because I’m in a state of wonder about being in human form for the short time I’m here. On the other hand, I torture myself often about being weird and abandoned by others. Writing something I think is good helps because if I think I’m right, I don’t mind being abandoned as much. I think all of us doing what we truly love helps us (and the world).

I’ve been writing all day, and am ashamed to say, I’ve written two other posts which I couldn’t post because I felt bad about them. I was trying to be “mean” and not give a crap in one and in another I’m “waxing philosophical” about people’s reluctance to accept their natural selves. I think I’d do better with both approaches in a “book,” where I’d tell personal stories I’ve been “saving.” (I’ll start posting my book here someday.) And not just blab, blab, blab, without telling stories, like I do here. And here I am again questioning myself…

My House is Your House
March 11, 2012, 11:53 am
Filed under: Writing | Tags: , , , ,

What’s on my mind lately? I want to write my book. I’ve tried starting lots of times, and wrote some things I felt good about yesterday. But when I was writing I felt like I was writing for no reason, that all was strangely right with the world. I think I got out of touch with my purpose.

So, I went back to trying to find my theme/pattern, but I guess I should go back and forth between writing and redefining my theme. I try to be present with what I write, making sure nothing is in vain. I asked myself yesterday, Does it matter that I was at school when I decided my identity would be “quiet girl.” I plan to go back to this today, but like yesterday, I kind of feel I have to write on this blog daily. I feel like people need to hear me, and I need people to hear me, to fight with me. I want us to fight for all people to be free to be however they are, no matter how socially unacceptable. Like the trees, spiders and all living things, we need each other to survive. No thing or person is in vain. (The voices in my head sing to me sometimes in chipmunk voices, “You are not, are not, in vain.”)

What else has been on my mind? Yoga. I did a half hour yesterday (no headstands yet, and especially not where I live now). I don’t do yoga as regularly as I used to when I went to a gym. But I’ve lost about eight pounds (being into fixing up my blog, blogging, and being more into writing), so it’s easier to do a chatarunga. I also noticed that my vart (vaginal fart) seems more persistent. I’m reluctant to do Kegel exercises, but I’m going to try to start, so as not to neglect myself and to stop the vart. It’ll be an accomplishment if it goes away. (I am telling you about my vart because I don’t want to be ashamed of it. I’m a writer: what is writing without words and experiences? It’s more difficult.)

Also on my mind: My unstable living situation. Sometimes I want to leave, but I’ll be sleeping in my car at night, and the night sounds seem scary sometimes, like last night when I couldn’t sleep. I’m also wondering what to do about the deferment on my student loans, which I feel I’m lying about because the deferment, or six-month break on paying them, requires I seek employment through an employment agency (for a “real” job), which I’m not doing. I could try to get a forbearance, which, unlike deferment, isn’t focused on postponing payments because of unemployment. But as I tried to fill out the application Friday, it felt wrong, similar to how applying for the deferment felt.

The student loan situation, and my current living situation make me feel like there’s no home for me here. I think it’s because no one’s ever tried to make the world a welcoming place for human beings. Sure Thomas Jefferson, Abe Linclon, and Martin Luther King Jr., made things freer. But I think the main thing they left undone was truly being themselves here, living how they really wanted, despite societal pressures to conform.

MLK Jr. died fighting for blacks’ civil rights, but I have doubts that he found true love being loyal to the institution of marriage, rather than truly being present and loyal to his heart’s desires. Ralph Abernathy wrote in his autobiography that King had a “weakness for women,” and had extramarital affairs. Love is color blind. But King’s marriage, like most, doesn’t reflect that truth. He was passionate about character being valued more than race, but his marriage doesn’t reflect that passion.

I’ve also had that blogger I wrote about on my mind, almost like she’s haunting me. Being haunted by a person, living or dead, may sound crazy. BUT, I believe human beings are more connected than we’re led to believe. I’ve had it UP TO THE MOON with easy answers. Plus, what I felt makes practical sense. I just felt like the person was good, and that she loved me. And ussually we’re expected to be holier than thou, forgive and see the good in people. But really the truth is: We all love each other when we can truly see each other. We all need each other. And anyone who says otherwise is likely stuck in a state of fear, which is common.

When It’s Good To Stand Alone
March 9, 2012, 2:12 pm
Filed under: Society | Tags: , , , ,

I found some other wordpress blogs I liked, and was commenting back and forth with another blogger. The seemingly friendly back and forth was insightful for me, how writing ussually is for me. But then I noticed today the blogger deleted all my comments and stopped following my blog. Perhaps I said something that offended her? I feel like the spider, Sophie, from the children’s book, Sophie’s Masterpiece. She gets shewed away throughout the whole book because people are afraid of her… until the end.

It can never be wrong to be yourself, even if it means being punished by others, like many of our heros have been in history. It’s sad that there’s this barrier between human beings keeping them apart. The barrier is that so many things are not okay to say or discuss, like if you have a problem with what someone’s saying. Maybe one day we’ll see how much it hurts us when so much is unmentionable, like having a sexually transmitted disease, since it’s not already super obvious. (Baffled, I am.)

I’m sorry, but I’m not able to make myself more socially acceptable. Sometimes things get tough (or crazy or wierd). It’s life. I talk about it, and the fact that so many people don’t makes tough times seem more rare and harder to deal with because people feel like they’re the only ones who have to deal with adversity as bad as their own. I believe this is a big reason why people go to extreme measures to deal with disagreements, losing a job, being rejected, through violence, suicide, and other self-destructive behavior. They react in extreme ways because they perceive their situations as extreme, when in reality they are just a part of life that everyone has to face. I believe even child molestration reflects people treating sex as something dirty. I believe child molesters may seek children because they think children won’t see them as dirty.

I ask questions like, why pedophilia, why obesity, why AIDS, why homosexuality, because I want to believe that none of us is broken, including someone like me, who has schizophhrenia (and herpes, and an attraction to white men I’ve often felt I had to hide). And I think there’s always an answer to the questions, a reason why. Understanding others can help us forgive and accept.

My recent “erasure” is proof that the problem I’m facing is big. Someone deleting my comments shows me that I probably seem socially unacceptable, just like black people who were lynched, just like Eddie “Gwen” Araujo, who was killed because he was a beautiful creation of God who didn’t fit man’s standards.