Enlustered


Time to Get Down (get it down on paper)
December 21, 2011, 10:43 pm
Filed under: Human Potential, Society, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Haven’t felt as interested in posting here. I’m starting to feel like I might really have something worth writing about for a writing career, starting with my memoir. I’m someone who’s always felt like I wasn’t worth much to this world, just being who I am, different. I’m starting to see I mean something in another way, the same way anyone who’s born into a society that tells her she’s less than because she’s black, or mentally ill, or too negative, or too blunt/offensive. The way I’m referring to is believing in something greater than this world (like black slaves did). Another way is to kind of live in my own world, and believe whatever I want to believe. Believe I’m beautiful, even though all my life I’ve seen the men I find most attractive choose women who look nothing like me, the women society says are most beautiful. Believe huge chunks of my life are worth something, are meaningful, even though they’re considered something to hide and “shameful,” like having a mental illness or sexually transmitted disease is.

At the end of the day, all anyone has is his/her beliefs, whatever one chooses them to be. We all live in our own worlds, but too many of us obviously shape our worlds with society’s beliefs. Why should I make my world so much like our world? It’s natural that I believed in the only reality I knew, but doing so only distanced me from really being in (speaking, writing) this world.

Since I was a little girl I enjoyed unfolding love stories in my head. (I didn’t want black girls in my stories, even though I was one–so I kind of understand when I see only white women in perfume and Victoria’s Secret ads.) As an adult, I look back and see I had it partly right from the start. When the world you find yourself in tells you you can’t have what you want (like being pretty, or the white boy on the other side of the playground), dream it up in your head, and have it there.

And when the time was right, I could let all the dreams go and the stories go, and watch them materialize in front of me. This is what I hope to do, bring my world to the world I was born into, and hopefully make this world warmer.

I understand people hear the black side of racism all the time, but maybe it’s because white people (and others) don’t know how to tell their side. How can calling one witch “good” and one witch “bad,” hurt the “good” witch? To find the answer, look at whose schools are plagued with school bullying, school shootings, eating disorders, suicides. Telling someone he’s valuable only because he’s rich and white hurts a lot, probably just as much as telling someone he’s less than because he’s black and poor, and poor because he’s black. I know partly because I felt it one day in a vision I had while dozing off to  sleep of small white children in an all-white school.

I’ve written more than I intended. I’ll always believe in the power of harmony/balance, that what one human being suffers from is not so different from what ails another. The happiness of each of us is wrapped up in the happiness of all of us, and so I doubt very many of us have been happy in the history of mankind, considering segregation, slavery, and (hmmmm…) maybe what happened to Julius Caesar. I’m no history buff.

A poem for yeh:

I’m a human in the world God made

A misfit in man’s world

I’m an evil spider

A nigger

A dairy cow

A buffalo

Perhaps the last of my kind

Unless I’m a cockroach.

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