Enlustered


Different Kinds of Endings
December 5, 2011, 1:18 pm
Filed under: Society, Writing | Tags: , , , , ,

It’s getting very unpleasant where I live. I feel unwelcomed, burdensome, and like a nobody piece of crap.

I quit my job in July. I didn’t really feel great about it at first, but I feel more and more like it was the right thing to do.

My first job out of college was closest to my dream of writing. I was a newspaper reporter, but I was still very unhappy. In writing I made people angry a lot. Good reporters, and successful people in general are great at handling that, but I wasn’t. I felt like I was doing something wrong, and I probably was, but in hindsight I feel the questions raised and details in my writing were not what was wrong. I could have talked more (been braver) with school officials (I covered education) when I included details in my stories that were controversial (such as negative comments from others, or data showing the racial makeup of schools).

But, in the end, the change I made was being more careful, and safe in what I wrote. That made reporting a lot less enjoyable. My best stories ended up being ones I wrote earliest in my three years as a reporter.

The job I quit in July was as a teacher assistant at a school for kids with violent behaviors. The kids hit and scratch (mostly just at first), but that’s not why I left. Six months since I quit, I believe no one should have to work jobs he hates, not even while he pursues his dreams.

I believe working for a living sends the wrong message about the value of human life. When I am suicidal I start feeling like nothing matters in this world, that people’s actions don’t matter, that people are nobodies and that nobody cares. And so it doesn’t matter whether I’m here or not.

In working a job I hated, I was spending huge parts of my life doing something I didn’t want to, so what was the point in being here? In my time off I was dreading going back. Twice, on my drive to work, I considered stopping and jumping from someplace high to avoid going to work.

Lately my thoughts are very similar. Sometimes I really hate living where I’m living (with my mom). I feel very, very unwanted here, and I don’t want to live here, but I have no money to live any where else.

I’m working on a book, but I don’t feel that excited about it, so I’m not sure whether I could get money from that. I have considered living out of my car. Lots of people have done it on their road to success, such as the singer Jewel, the woman who owned the gym I used to work for, and I’ve seen other people on television who’ve lived through it to find success.

I have a laptop to write my book and the library for the Internet. I thought about just trying living in my car for a few days to see how it goes. I don’t want to live out of my car, but maybe I’ll feel less like a piece of crap, and more like one of the strong people I’ve always admired.

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