Enlustered


Our Unspoken Beliefs
October 5, 2011, 9:50 pm
Filed under: Human Potential

I was going to write about how wrong I was to write a note on Facebook a couple of weeks ago about how I look down on people. But then I looked at the wordpress.com home page full of snapshots of the best blogs and thought,
Wow, people are so out of it. Blah…

I look at you (the masses, everyone seems the same) and assume that you’ve bought into these ideas we’re fed about what life is: that having money makes us somebody important, that love is something mostly meant for two people of the same race, that we’re just lucky to have a job if we have one.

What all of these ideas amount to is that none of us is here for any good reason–other than to look forward to the weekend. When I say I look down, what I really mean is, I can’t believe people are happy with this “reality.”

“Focus on yourself,” is what I heard writers are supposed to do, so here I go. I say I’m different, but I walk around believing in all the same ideas: that interracial love is odd, that money makes people valuable, and that people are fortunate/secure to have even a super-crappy job.

This is the “truth” offered to me by my surroundings, and, for some reason, I believe it–effortlessly, even though I know it’s wrong. The real reason I look down on you is because I look down on myself based on these same beliefs: for being broke, for seeing myself as crazy since everyone else seems to think so, and for believing my soul mate is someone my surroundings say is practically in another realm since he’s rich and white—and may be married to a white woman.

I’ve been feeling like the crumbs at the bottom of an empty cookie jar lately, going out shopping with my broke ass and my steady belief in the American ideas I grew up with.

I gave all my old clothes away a month ago, feeling like I’d been settling for less (old clothing, lowly jobs) way too long. All I have left are some old workout clothes, which are just fine for a trip to the library, the gym or the grocery store. But in a high-end mall I’m reduced to feeling like all I am is my washed out yoga pants, my washed out hoodie, and knock-off Vera Bradley bag.

Talented, who? Not me, just broke—and nappy. I only noticed my hair seeming wild while trying on a hat in the Gap (a more friendly store). In my regular circles (gym, etc.) I’m used to being proud of being strong enough to be different with my uncombed hair and hairy arm pits.

I would’ve much rather shopped online to avoid the store clerk glare, but it’s so much cheaper and easier to try stuff on in the store, not having to ship back returns.

Really I’m grateful for my shopping trip. I realized the reason it’s wrong to look down on you (the masses) is because doing so is like saying it’s okay for people to look down on each other, for people (including me) to look down on me (myself).

But that didn’t stop me from feeling the way I did when I went to wordpress.com today. I don’t know how to feel when people find so much to talk about other than the things that seem so wrong.

It seems like no one cares about obvious racial inequalities, or people working their days away in mediocre jobs when they’re meant to change the world. Only I seem to be the only person who thinks so.

How do I approach a world that seems caught up in the same beliefs I am, except I’m the only one who says she’s hurt by them. I did read a good entry today on the blog “Reasonably Ludicrous,” that hints as the divide between following your dreams and making it in the “real world.” I enjoyed it.

Maybe I should read more. But writers often disagree with popular opinion. I’ll still really miss the rest of the world. I don’t think I can be truly happy without you being happy, too. But first, you would have to admit to being hurt—to want to make things different. Not many people admit to that.

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